


Suddenly tears and songs meant more than they had

by LightningHaski



Category: Panic! at the Disco, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Anxiety, Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Cuddling & Snuggling, Depression, Eating Disorders, Fluff, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Oops I Lied, Panic Attacks, Pet Names, Purging, Self-Harm, Songfic, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Synesthesia, Verbal Abuse, and it’s in one chapter, homophobia in more than one chapter, only slightly, this is actually gonna be pretty sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2019-05-24
Packaged: 2019-10-01 17:44:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 25,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17248634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LightningHaski/pseuds/LightningHaski
Summary: Tyler is giving up on life, he’s sick of the same things happening every day, of his parents not allowing him to follow his own path to success. But when a gorgeous transfers student with sky blue hair enters his life, Tyler finds a new reason to keep on living.





	1. Tyler

**Author's Note:**

> Tyler feels in colors  
> Josh sees color in sound 
> 
> Trigger warning  
> Anxiety/Panic attacks  
> Self harm  
> Depression  
> Eating disorder  
> Suicidal thoughts  
> Suicide attempt  
> Child abuse  
> Child neglect  
> Added at the start of each chapter 
> 
> Color meaning  
> Red - fear  
> Green - anger  
> Yellow - torment  
> Pink - love  
> Blue - hope  
> Sky blue - life  
> Orange - guilt  
> Cyan - happiness  
> Purple - anxiety  
> Black - to kill ones self  
> White - death  
> Deep blue - contentment  
> Deep purple - calm  
> Amber - nausea  
> More will be added later

A boy with brown hair and deep brown eyes sat playing a piano, his hands were so delicate as they touch each key almost wanting to leave as little of his presence there as possible.

The sound a piano made left him feeling deep blues and purples as it consumed his being and allowed him to drown in all the colors.

As the song came to an end the boy knew that with it he would be returning to his mundane life of going to school and doing homework. He loved attending recitals because it allowed him to escape for a while, to not be constantly in his head with his inner demons.

The song ended all to quickly for the boy, he stood up and faced the clapping audience to give a bow before heading off stage to allow the next person to preform. His family met him in the foyer giving him hugs, kisses with the over the top ‘congratulations’ and ‘well dones’ on another flawless performance.

To say that the brown haired boy was bored and slightly annoyed with his family’s reaction would be an understatement. He loved his family, he truly did, but when you hear the same thing over and over after every recital it starts to get on your nerves.

Green and yellows mixing together to create a tormented anger at how his family always reacted to these things.

The drive home was silent and awkward as it always seemed to be coming back from recitals. All the boy wanted to do was sleep and maybe finish the song he had been writing.

That’s all the boy ever really wanted to do, write songs and preform them for people but his parents would never approve. When he brought up the idea of being in a band and touring the world singing songs that resonated with other people, his parents had freaked out saying that no child of there’s would ever do something so ghastly and crude. They were elegant people and if he wanted to do anything related to music it would be something elegant like classic music and playing the piano for a living.

||-//

“Tyler, dinners ready!” His mother called to him from the bottom of the stairs.

Heaving a sigh Tyler pulled himself up from his bed and made his way down the stairs. He hasn’t had time to write anymore on the song he was working on because he forgot he had homework due on Monday that he hadn’t even started.

He sat at the table staring down at the food on his plate, another thing his parents didn’t know about him was that he suffered from an eating disorder that had been going on almost a year now. The sight of food made him nauseous but he forced himself to eat something otherwise his parents would notice and he can’t have that.

 ** _Give in Tyler. You know you want to. Just give in_**.

And there it was the infamous voice of Blurryface in the forefront of his mind. He wanted to scream at him to shut up but that would draw attention to himself, he didn’t need his parents knowing he was crazy as well as disobeying them by writing songs.

**_You’re worthless Tyler. They won’t care regardless of whether they find out. They’ll probably just disown you so that they don’t have a child that disgraced their elegance so much._ **

Shut up that’s not true. Blurryface was so loud now echoing in his mind, his words ricocheting off the walls of his skull making it vibrate. He was starting to get a migraine and the nausea was starting to hit from the food, he needed to get to the bathroom quickly so that he could vomit.

He stood up from his chair so fast that it clattered against the floor but he really didn’t care at this point if all the eyes of his family turned to look at him as their conversations shushed from his outburst. He darted for the bathroom collapsing on the floor the minute he was in to then crawl to the toilet so he could be sick.

Orange and red swirling in his chest at the thought of being caught but he didn’t care it needed to go.

**_Well done._ **

||-//

Tyler wakes up Monday morning to realise that shit he has to go to school today. As if it’s not any worse that he knows as soon as he steps foot into that building he will have a target painted on his back, just another thing to keep hidden from his parents he was being bullied in school.

He knew his brothers and sister weren’t getting bullied because they all hung out with the popular kids and had a lot of friend, so what was so different about Tyler that he got bullied. He didn’t really stand out from the crowd, he wasn’t a nerd, he wasn’t a punk and he most definitely wasn’t a jock.

**_It’s because you have no friends. Who’d want to be friends with you, you’re worthless._ **

Great. Blurryface was making his appearance early today, normally it started after he got to school.

But apparently this Monday was not like any other day. There was a new kid transferring in, which was strange because it was halfway through the school year. He was also going to be in Tyler’s year, and rumours have already started to spread that the reason he moved now is because he was kicked out his last school for a number of different stupid reasons ranging from fighting, stabbing a teacher and stealing the principals car.

All of which seemed ridiculous to Tyler, because the minute Tyler’s eyes fell onto the new kid his world stopped. He had beautiful sky blue hair, pale skin and the most amazing mocha eyes he had ever seen. Tyler’s pretty sure he just stopped breathing because this boy was breathtaking.

“Do you mind if I sit here?”

That shocked Tyler into moving when he realised the gorgeous boy with sky blue hair was talking to him.

“Umm... yeah s-sure that’s umm okay.” Damnit did Tyler really just stutter that incoherent mess out. He was too afraid to look at the gorgeous sky blue haired boy and see his reaction with mocking eyes and a smirk on his lips at finding the weak kid to pick on, if the rumours turned out to be true.

“Thanks.”

Wait. What? That was it? Tyler’s head snapped up to see the boy smiling gently at him and taking a seat next to Tyler before turning to look at the teacher to see what she was saying.

Tyler did not expect the boy with the sky boy hair and ridiculous scary rumours to have such a beautiful smile as well. It didn’t seem real to Tyler that he was sat next to someone that made everything in his head stop. The ticking that was a constant to try and block the voices out, Tyler realised that this is what love felt like all pink, purple and cyan that’s fuzzy around the outside to give it a softer edge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First two chapters are gonna be slow, just looking into their home lives 
> 
> Josh’s point of view next 
> 
> Let me know what you think of the first chapter


	2. Josh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning  
> Child Neglect  
> Slight child abuse  
> Self harm  
> Minor anxiety mention
> 
> I’m not American so I don’t know the schooling system that well, so if anything is off throughout the story let me know

A boy with bright sky blue hair was curled protectively around his three younger siblings as his parents prepared to start World War III right there in the living room of their new house. He could hear his siblings crying and all wanted to do was pack up and leave, to take them away from this hell hole.

But he knew he couldn’t his parents just moved to a new state, granted it wasn’t for the four children they had. But a 17 year old running away with three kids would be really bad, he couldn’t even afford to look about himself with the money he had earned at his last job before the move let alone him and three others.

His parents colors sliced through him like a knife, were they trying to kill him, actually they probably would since they don’t care what happens to their kids. The colors were so harsh and violent almost blinding him with the ferocity of them, even with his eyes closed he could still see the harshness of them.

The sky blue haired boy needed to sneak out of the house with his siblings and take them to the local park but it’ll be difficult to sneak around his parents, especially since the colors are making it increasingly difficult for him to keep his eyes open long enough to even see how his siblings are doing.

“Josh, make them stop please.” Ashley almost pleaded her voice sounded so wrecked from all the crying she had been doing.

Sure Josh is the eldest and should be doing something about it but the last time he intervened his father screamed at him saying how worthless he was, that he wasn’t needed and his mother was no better pretty much telling him to kill himself already since she regretted even having him in the first place.

“We’ll sneak out but you guys have to be fast and try not to get caught, I don’t know what will happen if they see us making a run for it.” Josh really didn’t like telling them that in order to survive their awful parents they needed to run from them, or bad things would happen.

Josh waited for all of them to nod in agreement to the plan before they slowly set off, making their way to the door. Thankfully the way to the living room had a door on it and it was closed so it wasn’t too difficult. As soon at all four of them were outside and the door was closed as quietly as possible they ran down the road, Ashley holding onto Jordan’s hand to make sure he kept up and Abigail grabbed onto Josh’s.

||-//

The park was about half a mile away from the house and it looks like they successfully got away without their parents finding out. Josh found solace in the quiet of the park as his siblings played together, the birds had the most beautiful silver color as they tweeted to each other in the trees and the white from the wind was relaxing on his eyes after the assault they had from his parents screaming.

Suddenly Josh saw a beautiful magenta/cyan color being carried through the wind, he had never seen anything like it before, it wasn’t a normal color for the wind to have that was always white and peoples voices were never carried through the wind like that.

Josh decided to trail after it to find the source, he checked to make sure his siblings were still playing on the swings before heading to the slightly wooded area next to the park entrance where that beautiful color was coming from.

As he got closer Josh realised it actually was a voice that this color was coming from, how strange, this was definitely different from what normally happened. Approaching the origin of that beautiful magenta/cyan color Josh decided to hide behind a bush, but the more he looked at the color the more it seemed to leak with pain the magenta turned red, a sign of anger, and the cyan turned a deep blue, a sign of great suffering.

It came from a boy who had brown fluffy hair that looked incredibly soft, Josh couldn’t see the boys eyes as they were closed, but that voice was so broken and wrecked but so beautiful and calming at the same time.

 _“I start to part two halves of my heart in the dark_  
_And I don’t know where I should go_  
_And the tears and the fears begin to multiply_  
_Taking time in a simple place_  
_In a bed where my head rests on a pillowcase_  
_And it’s said that a wars led but I forget_  
_That I let another day go by_  
_I want to be afraid but it seems that these days_  
_I’m caught under water and I’m falling farther_  
_My hearts getting harder, I’m calling my father_  
_Am I screaming to an empty sky?_  
_Empty sky, no way, that’s me cause one half of my heart is free_  
_Empty sky, no way, that’s me cause the other half of my hearts asleep.”_

It takes a while for Josh to realise that the boy with the beautiful color is actually singing and the song is so sad that it must be why his color is being distorted with emotions.

 _“Sing a song but don’t believe_  
_Blasphemy is just for me_  
_Hypocrite, take your pick_  
_Cause the poisons on my lips.”_

After Josh hears those words he suddenly feels really guilty, this boy didn’t want anyone to hear him that’s why he’s hiding in the woods away from all the houses. Josh decides that’s his cue to leave but then he hears something that’s even sadder in his eyes, this boys color does a complete flip were it was filled with anger red and deep blue suffering, the blue changed to jade green a sign of shame and grey a sign of death, as the next few lyrics come out.

 _“Enough about you, let’s talk about me_  
_And how everybody thinks I’m so free_  
_Free? Did you hear the verse that came first_  
_And how my own body’s waging war on me?”_

This poor gorgeous boy with the brown fluffy hair and beautiful magenta/cyan voice is riddled with such a deep amount of pain and suffering. Josh isn’t sure what the boy is going through exactly but just going off those words alone he is suffering just as much as Josh is.

Josh doesn’t hear the rest of the song as he heads back to his siblings to take them home as it’s starting to get dark outside. As soon as he gets back to his siblings he’s assaulted with their colors shouting at him and he’s tackled by three small bodies as they jump onto him.

“Alright you three, time to go home and I’ll make you some food before bedtime, big day tomorrow.” Three groans follow his statement not because of what is happening the next day with the whole starting a new school thing but because of the idea of having to go home to their parents.

||-//

The four of them sneak in through the back door, thankfully their parents have stopped arguing, he leads the kids into the kitchen to start preparing some food for them.

“Josh, do we have to start a new school tomorrow?” Abbie didn’t really know what it means to move, she still wanted to go back to her old school, back to her friends, but sadly she couldn’t.

“I’m afraid so Ab’s, I don’t want to either but unfortunately we can’t go back. One day we will though, I promise.” Josh hated making these types of promises to the three of them, they were smart kids and bound to know by now that these were empty promises, but Josh at least hoped they gave some security that one day the four of them will leave there horrible parents forever and actually be happy together.

After all three of Josh’s siblings were tucked into bed each with a goodnight kiss to the forehead, Josh headed off to his own room to prepare for tomorrow. His eyes caught a blink of silver out the corner of his eye, he began to think back to the fluffy haired boy in the woods, he though about the lyrics the boy was singing and how his body was trying to kill him.

Josh had to agree with him in a sense he felt somewhat the same, he couldn’t resist after that pulling his tight skinny jeans down his legs and tossing them into the corner of his room. He grabbed his sharpest blade and brought it to his skin, making slow and steady cuts, he’ll probably regret it in the morning when he has to put his skinny jeans back on but right now he didn’t care he need the pain, he needed to feel something. His parents didn’t care about him, as much as he loved his adorable siblings he had to look after them because his parents were too incompetent to care, no 17 year old should have to do that.

After he had made at least twenty on each leg he grabbed some paper towels he kept in his room for this exact occasion, well maybe he used them for some other personal needs but that was beside the put, he whipped away the excess blood before pulling his shirt off and getting into bed.

Tomorrow was going to be a long and painful day.

||-//

Josh got up bright and early to get ready for school, he needed to get his siblings ready before taking them off to school and then heading to school himself.

He went into Ashley and Abbie’s room to see that they were already up, Ashley was only 8 but she still helped Josh when it came to looking after Abbie and Jordan. Seeing that Ashley had everything sorted in their room he decided to go and get Jordan ready, he was always the worst at getting up in the morning.

“Jordan, you need to wake up and get ready for school, I’ll set some clothes out for you on the bed. Come downstairs in 10 minutes or no food.” Bribing a child with food probably wasn’t the best idea but it worked because just as Josh was shutting the door again Jordan was up and getting ready.

Josh headed downstairs to sort breakfast out for the kids, the only silent time they got was in the morning and evenings since their parents always left early for work and came back super late at night.

All three came running down the stairs for food and eating at record speed before running off to the bathroom to brush their teeth and then grabbing their bags and shoes before standing at the door to wait for Josh to finish getting ready so they could all head out together.

The walk to the elementary school wasn’t a long one, but Josh was definitely going to be late on his first day since the high school was in the opposite direction. So after saying goodbye to his siblings Josh practically sprinted to the school just so he could make it on time to grab his schedule, locker number and combination before heading off to homeroom.

He realised his first class was math, _just my luck math on the first day and we’re halfway through the year already._  Josh wasn’t feeling it this morning due to all the rushing but his anxiety was starting to pick up and he felt nauseous all of a sudden.

He pushed the feeling down and headed into his math room, spoke to his teacher about being the new student and she told him he could sit anywhere. Anywhere in this case meant the only empty seat in class, which was next to a boy, who seemed to be staring at him.

_Well it’s the only seat available, guess I’ll have to sit next to the weird one._

“Do you mind if I sit here?” His voice was shaking when he ask the strange boy, but it seemed to shock him as he looked down and was he blushing? Well Josh had to admit that was cute.

“Umm... yeah s-sure that’s umm okay.” Josh stopped breathing for a minute, magenta/cyan just came out of that mouth. This was the gorgeous boy was the fluffy brown hair and it turns out he has deep chocolate brown eyes, and he’s adorable when he blushed.

Josh collects himself before saying a soft, “thanks.” The adorable boys head snaps up like he wasn’t expecting that reply, when he sees the small smile on Josh’s face he seems to relax a little, yeah Josh might have a crush on this boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor baby Josh is struggling 
> 
> Next chapter they will finally know each other’s names 
> 
> Let me know what you think
> 
> Lyrics from the song Blasphemy by Tyler Joseph


	3. Tyler

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning  
> Eating disorder  
> Purging 
> 
> I don’t know how old Josh and Tyler’s siblings are in comparison to them so for the sake of this fic  
> Josh’s siblings  
> Ashley - 8  
> Abbie - 6  
> Jordan - 5
> 
> Tyler’s siblings  
> Zack - 15  
> Maddy - 13  
> Jay - 12

Tyler wasn’t sure if he should say anything to the beautiful sky blue haired boy but he was feeling very purple. How can one person make him feel so many colors at one time, it didn’t seem normal.

“So,” Tyler turned quickly to look at the gorgeous sky blue haired boy that just spoke to him. “My names Josh.”

Tyler froze what is he supposed to say _‘Hi I’m Tyler,’ ‘nice to meet you my names Tyler,’ ‘Why are you talking to me I’m worthless and your gorgeous?’_ Okay that last one is slightly rude and defiantly out of the question.

Josh was looking at him a bit weirdly, probably because Tyler hadn’t spoken it what felt like a decade. “Umm... hi, I’m umm Tyler n-nice to umm meet you.”

_**Can’t even get out a simple sentence without stuttering, what a failure.** _

Great Blurryface is back and now Tyler is also feeling jade green and indigo. But as Tyler looks Josh in the eyes everything melts away and all that’s left is pink, purple and cyan.

Josh gives him a soft smile, Tyler isn’t sure if it’s out of pity or that he just smiles like that all the time. Either way the smile leaves Tyler feeling deep purple, he’s never felt this way when he isn’t playing the piano, Josh does some strange things to him.

Sadly that class ends without Tyler and Josh saying anything else to each other, which is really sad but Tyler was too lavender to actually start a decent conversation and ask what Josh’s interests were or why he dyes his hair, Tyler kind of regrets not asking if the gorgeous boy can play any instruments.

||-//

His next few classes drag on until it’s finally time for lunch, Tyler obviously doesn’t eat anything but thankfully Jenna (his best friend) doesn’t mind, just as long as she has some company. She’s probably the only person that knows about Tyler’s eating disorder since she accidentally caught him purging and then somehow put the pieces together relatively quickly.

She’s tried to help him by giving him little things to eat but unfortunately nothing ever stayed down, regardless she still supports him in getting better though she’s not actively trying to help.

They meet up outside the cafeteria to head inside together, Tyler only ever gets a water, Jenna never tells him to get food.

“So, I heard that the new guy is in your math class, does he live up to the rumours.” Wow Jenna is starting this conversation off strong.

“Nope he’s actually kind of sweet and cute and gorgeous. But he definitely isn’t as scary as the rumours make him out to be.” After Tyler finished what he was saying he looks to Jenna to see that she has a shit eating grin on her face, what had he said that... oh no he talked about how hot the new guy was. Well it’s not really a problem since Jenna already knows he’s gay but to just outright say that about someone you’ve said basically nothing to is a little much.

“So you’re already in love with him then?” Damnit he definitely said too much.

“Nope, I’m absolutely not in love with him whatsoever, you’re just delusional.” Tyler could feel his cheeks heating up and red, lavender, pink and purple were slowly consuming him not to mention he was starting to feel amber burning up inside him as he saw her eat her lunch and the smell of food all around him.

“Ty, it’s okay if you do, but I’m sorry I won’t bring it up again, at least not until you feel comfortable telling me.” God why was Jenna so nice to him all the time.

Tyler hung his head willing himself not to cry in front of the whole cafeteria, Jenna must have noticed because she moved her chair closer to give him a hug and whisper nonsensical words into his ear to calm him down.

“Hey, are you okay?” Both Tyler and Jenna jumped at the voice that sounded from above them, they both turned their heads to see Josh stood there looking down on them, with a few people stood next to him.

Tyler realised who they were almost immediately, Brendon Urie, Ryan Ross and Dallon Weekes, three of the most popular guys in their year though thankfully these guys had never done anything to harm Tyler in anyway, but he still felt a burning red and purple.

“He’s fine, thanks for asking.” Sweet, lovely Jenna was so amazing at picking up on Tyler’s thoughts and feelings, it was almost like a sixth sense.

“Okay cool, do you mind if we sit here everywhere else is full?” That wasn’t true in the slightest Tyler could see quite a lot of empty spaces all around them.

“Sure go for it.” Tyler turned too look at Jenna and she just looked him in the eyes, tilted her head a little and gave him a smile that bordered on being a smirk.

“Thanks.” Tyler wasn’t expecting all four of them to sit down thinking that maybe Brendon, Ryan and Dallon would head off to their usual table, but he was sorely proved wrong.

“So I take it your names Josh right?” Jenna addressed Josh like it was the most natural thing in the world, for her it probably was she was always good at making new friends.

Josh seemed slightly taken aback at being addressed though but seemed to recover quite fast. “That’s right I’m the unfortunate new kid, and who might you be?”

“The names Jenna, and I heard that you already know Tyler over here.” She nudged Tyler slightly harder than what was necessary but nobody seemed to be paying any attention to him, he felt sea foam green.

“Yeah met him in math first period.” Josh seemed to speak with such confidence, though Tyler seemed to feel a wave of purple emanating from him though he could just be imagining it.

“Brendon it’s good to see you again.” Wait what? Jenna knew Brendon?

“Same to you Jenna, it’s been awhile since awhile we last spoke without idiots getting in the way.” Brendon smirk and Ryan hit Brendon after he said that before grabbing his hand and lacing their fingers together.

Okay this was new, everyone in school knew that Brendon was pansexual since on national coming out day he wore the pan flag as a cape to school and it’s been hanging out his locker ever since, but Tyler had no idea that Ryan was anything other than straight he never gave off the vibe of being gay or bi.

Tyler turned to Jenna and she looked at him and mouthed _‘Tell you later’_ this was a story he definitely wanted to hear about.

“OMG Ty look she’s here.” Tyler turned to look in the direction that Jenna was staring into and lo and behold there stood Sarah Orzechowski the hottest girl in school who Jenna seemingly had a crush on.

“Jen, why don’t you just ask her to go on a date with you already, I mean I’m pretty sure she’s into you too since she always eye fucks you when she thinks you aren’t looking.” Everyone at the table (not including Jenna she was too busy staring at Sarah) looked at Tyler with their mouths open. Probably because this is the first time he’s spoken since they sat down and also because everyone thinks he’s too innocent to swear.

“But Ty I can’t she’s literally the hottest girl in school compare her to me and you’ll get one weird couple.”

Ryan seemed to be the first to recover from Tyler suddenly speaking, Jenna still had no idea they were still staring at him, “I think Tyler’s right she obviously likes you and if you need any help asking her I’m sure Brendon wouldn’t mind returning the favour, would you love?” He squeezed Brendon’s hand and it made him yelp.

That seemed to snap Brendon out of staring at Tyler, Dallon also seemed to turn his attention to Brendon to see what he will say, Josh on the other hand just kept looking at Tyler and it was starting to make him feel uncomfortable.

“Yeah that’s right I’m friends with Sarah so I can always try and find out what she thinks about you.” Brendon actually didn’t seem that that bad of a guy if Tyler were to be completely honest.

“You’d do that for me, thank-you so much Brendon.” Jenna had the biggest smile on her face that Tyler had ever seen and he’s known Jenna since they were five.

“Anything for you since you helped me out.” Brendon looked at Ryan before giving him a soft kiss on the lips.

During that entire exchange Josh still hadn’t turned his attention away from Tyler, it was starting to make him feel a little indigo and amber. _What if Josh noticed he hadn’t eaten any food, what if Josh thought he was weird, was Josh judging him._

**_He hates you, you spoke perfectly to the bitch but you could barely say one word to him. Pathetic._ **

Tyler started to hyperventilate amber was taking over his body he needed to get to the bathroom fast, but he was frozen in place with Josh’s gaze boring into him.

“Ty, are you okay?” Great he was starting to worry Jenna, everyone on the table started looking at him again concerned looks on their faces.

“I have to go to the bathroom, bye.” And with that he was off, running out of the cafeteria and down the hall to the closest bathroom, hoping no one from the table had followed him to check if he was okay.

He went into the furthest stall from the door closing and locking the door behind him before he collapsed to his knees and shoved his fingers down his throat, feeling that all too familiar color as he’s pulled his fingers out of his mouth and started throwing up.

He didn’t hear the bathroom door open and close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to get really emotional in the next chapter 
> 
> Color meaning add ons  
> Jade green - sadness  
> Indigo - frustrated  
> Lavender - scared  
> Sea foam green - invisible


	4. Josh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning  
> Anxiety/panic attack  
> Slight purging mention  
> Slight eating disorder mention  
> Self harm  
> Suicidal thoughts

Josh couldn’t get over how beautiful Tyler’s voice was after he had introduced himself. He didn’t mind that the boy had stuttered over all of his words, he could see the maroon of anxiety bleeding through into his magenta/cyan mixed voice.

Over Josh’s next few classes he met Brendon, and eccentric hot boy whose voice is an assortment on blues, then came Ryan, who Josh later found out was dating Brendon, his voice consisted of dark greens much like the colors you would find in a forest and lastly there was Dallon, he scared Josh a little bit mostly because of how tall he was but his voice was a mix of light blues and purples it was very pleasing to Josh’s eyes.

||-//

As Josh entered the cafeteria with Brendon, Ryan and Dallon he spotted Tyler being hugged by a girl with blonde hair. Well that hurt a little bit, then again Josh doesn’t know if Tyler is gay or not so she may or may not be his girlfriend.

“Hey, are you okay?” Josh felt bad for ruining the moment because they both turned quickly to see him stood there with his friends, Tyler looked somewhat scared that Josh was there.

“He’s fine, thanks for asking.” Josh wasn’t expecting the blonde haired girl to reply but her voice was a very pretty sunshine yellow and autumn orange.

Regardless Josh pressed on, “okay cool, do you mind if we sit here everywhere else is full?” That was a lie and it looks like both Tyler and his maybe girlfriend knew that as well.

“Sure go for it.” That was something Josh didn’t expect, looks like Tyler wasn’t expecting that answer either since he gave the blonde girl an incredulous look.

“Thanks.” Josh looked over at Brendon, Ryan and Dallon the three of them didn’t even look fazed that they could sit with the blonde girl and Tyler.

The conversation progressed into introductions on Josh and Jenna’s part, he later found out. Brendon and her seemed to know each other quite well, that was probably the reason he wasn’t all to bothered that they were sitting with them.

Josh kept on stealing glances at Tyler through the exchange between Brendon and Jenna not really paying all that much attention to the conversation. Tyler didn’t really seem to notice that Josh kept on looking at him but that was okay, it would look kind of weird anyway.

All of a sudden Jenna just shouted, “OMG Ty look she’s here.” That prompted Tyler into bringing his head up to look in the direction she was looking in. Tyler seemed to have a face that read ‘ _not this again_ ’.

“Jen, why don’t you just ask her to go on a date with you already, I mean I’m pretty sure she’s into you too since she always eye fucks you when she thinks you aren’t looking.” That seemed to shock everyone that wasn’t Jenna because she was the only one that didn’t turn to look at Tyler with wide eyes. Josh seemed to realise that it was mostly because Tyler hadn’t said a word since the four of them sat down.

But Josh was just glad that he got to see that beautiful array of colors again that he blanked out the rest of the conversation and put all of his focus on Tyler. Josh vaguely heard Brendon agree to help Jenna with something before Tyler was blurting words out after catching Josh still staring at him.

Tyler jumped up from his seat after announcing that he was going to the bathroom before he ran, Josh didn’t think about it as he jumped up after him and went to go find him. As he entered the bathroom he heard someone being sick, it must have been Tyler because Josh saw him enter moments before and no one else did until he went in.

“Tyler, are you okay?” It probably wasn’t a good idea that Josh announced his presence to him whilst he was being sick.

He heard muffled curses before a strangled voiced sounded out, “yeah I’m okay don’t worry.” _How could I not worry he was being sick and I’m pretty sure he was throwing up pure water since I didn’t see him eat anything when me and my friends sat down he had no food in front of him at all._

“Tyler, can you please open the door?” There was some thumping from the other side of the stall door before Tyler’s voice rang out again.

“I’m okay Josh seriously please just leave class is starting soon.” Josh didn’t feel comfortable with leaving Tyler but since he didn’t want to over step his boundaries he simple turned to leave.

“I’m sorry.” Tyler whispered it so quietly that Josh wasn’t sure if he actually said anything.

||-//

The bathroom door closed behind Josh quietly, as soon as it did Josh was making a run for it up the steps towards the library before taking a sharp turn into the abandoned bathroom and into a stall. He sat on the lid of the toilet before taking his razor blade out of his bag and pulling his shirt up to make harsh cuts on his sides and abdomen.

They were deep, too deep in fact, normally they didn’t bleed that much but a lot of blood was beginning to slip down his pale skin. He dropped the blade to the floor before rushing to grab the toilet roll to try and stop the blood flow and to stop the blood from seeping into his clothing. Washing blood out of clothes was not a fun experience, he was starting to panic he could feel his chest tighten and his breathing become laboured he couldn’t help Tyler in anyway he was useless he didn’t deserve to live. He desperately wanted the blood to stop.

Thankfully the flow of blood stopped being so violent after 5 minutes so he dropped his shirt again before flushing the tissue away and picking up his razor to place it back into his back and then exit the bathroom. He decided that since he had already missed 20 minutes of his lesson he would just skip the rest of the day and head to the elementary school to get ready to pick his siblings up.

He never noticed the concerned look from the fluffy brown haired boy with deep chocolate brown eyes and the magenta/cyan voice as he left the school building.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My poor boys are getting so hurt 
> 
> I’m so sorry


	5. Tyler

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning  
> Eating disorder mention  
> Purging mention  
> Self harm mention

He can’t believe it, he really can’t believe it Josh fucking whatever his last name is caught Tyler purging, in school no less. How fucking careless can he get.

_**Worthless. Stupid. Actually got caught. Who is that idiotic?** _

Tyler pulled at his hair as he heard Blurryface taunt him, this is not his day at all. As Tyler was leaving the bathroom he caught a flash on sky blue hair heading out the front door of the school.

It wasn’t hard to place that hair, no one in the school had dyed hair except for Josh. He seemed to be in a hurry, only problem is that there were still two classes left and it probably wasn’t good that he was missing them on his first day of school.

Tyler decided to throw caution to the wind and went after Josh, he was feeling extreme amounts of purple and red as he left school. He has never skipped before, his parents will definitely find out because he can just lie and say he wasn’t feeling well, which isn’t a full lie but a lie nonetheless.

Only problem Tyler really had was that he didn’t really know where Josh had gone, he wasn’t really paying that much attention to the direction he went off in. Tyler gave up after walking aimlessly for 10 minutes and just decided to head to the woods near the park to clear his head.

||-//

The woods always made Tyler feel safe, surrounded by the trees. It was his favourite place to sing and write songs in, he didn’t feel judged by the trees and the emptiness.

_“Here I come, come to you in the very clothes_  
_That I killed, killed you in and now I know I'm alone_  
_I walk to you, rain falls from you_  
_Can you wash me, can you drown me?”_

Tyler enjoyed singing when no one could hear him, all the songs he wrote were very depressing. He didn’t mind if others heard him but when they did and they didn’t understand what he was singing about, couldn’t resonate with the lyrics it left him feeling like he was suffocating with black around his throat and on his hands stopping him from being able to make new music for fear of people not understanding.

_“I wanna be a lot of things, so much pent up inside of me_  
_I wanna be stronger, too long I've sat here undecidedly_  
_Planning strategy, half of me know it's all just a fallacy_  
_Failing miserably, drastically and then I crash dramatically_  
_Into a wall I've hit a hundred times before_  
_And yet I still ignore the dark red blood stains on the floor_  
_And I'm back in front of you, Lord, with the blood on the floor.”_

“Is the blood mine or yours? Don't wanna do this anymore.”

Tyler whipped around to see who just spoke when he was confronted by Josh looking back at him with an blank stare almost like he wasn’t quite there.

“What?”

_**Wow very intellectual Tyler well done.** _

“You’re song, it doesn’t seem finished, I decided to help.” Tyler was surprised that Josh wasn’t criticising him for his depressing lyrics, though granted he had been right the song wasn’t finished Tyler was still in the process of writing it.

“Yeah thanks for the help with the lyrics, I’m still in the process of writing it.” Tyler’s pretty shocked at the fact that he’s talking normally to Josh since he could barely get any words out in school and then shouted at him in the bathroom.

“What else do you have for them, I feel like I could help.” Josh willingly offering his help after Tyler was being a dick to him was actually really nice. Tyler complied and began singing again.

_“Back and forth between me and me and who you call me to be_  
_You see a man free who thinks he has to buy a key_  
_To a door but he can't ‘cause he's poor and he can't_  
_Fall down anymore ‘cause he's already on the floor_  
_And his heart is broken and all and this is his call_  
_But it's more of a cry ‘cause he will try nine times_  
_To realize nine crimes but he has more than nine lives_  
_So he picks himself up and keeps climbing for the prize again.”_

“Here I come again to you, just to show the blood soaked through, through my bones and all I own.”

“That’s really good actually.” Tyler noticed that the more he sang the more the life came back into Josh’s eyes. He must understand the lyrics, understand what Tyler is trying to say.

“Thanks, I’m not used to writing songs I just like coming up with beats for them.” Josh smiled softy, the first time he’s done that since lunch when he got to sit with Tyler.

“You play an instrument?” Now Tyler was really curious to find out more about him.

Josh nodded slowly before responding, “yeah I play the drums, but I have to go to the music store because I’m... umm not allowed my own set at... home.” He seemed to struggle getting the words out when talking about home. “Can you continue singing, please?”

“Yeah sure.” Skipping classes to find Josh and then singing in the woods was the best decision Tyler has ever made.

_“Is there a way for me to grow?_  
_I walk to you, rain falls from you_  
_Can you wash me, can you drown me, please?”_

Josh was walking closer to Tyler with every word he sang, until finally he sat down on the ground to just sit contently and listen to Tyler sing, it made him feel very pink but also lavender and jade green.

_“Every time I feel selfish ambition is taking my vision_  
_My crime is my sentence, repentance is taking commission_  
_It's taking a toll on my soul, I'm screaming submission and_  
_I don't know if I am dying or living_  
_‘Cause I will save a face for name's sake_  
_Abuse grace, take aim to obtain a new name in a newer place_  
_But my name is lame, I can't walk and I ain't the same_  
_And my name became a new destiny to the grave.”_

Tyler takes a deep breath before speaking again, “that’s all I have for this song so far, I’m hoping to finish it maybe tonight or tomorrow.”

Josh had tears in his eyes and it scared Tyler a little bit, “hey, are you okay? I didn’t make you sad or anything with my lyrics did I? Oh god Josh please talk to me.” Tyler was starting to freak out a little as Josh just sat there and sobbed silently.

“Thank-you, you’ve made me feel better. I like being around you, you make me feel calm. Do you maybe wanna be my friend? You don’t have to it’s fine if you don’t.”

Tyler couldn’t help but smile and chuckle softy at how adorable Josh was being right now. Tyler grabbed his hands, “I would love to be friends with you Josh.”

Josh could have started crying again if his wet eyes were anything to go by so instead he just grabbed Tyler shoulders and pulled him into a hug before softly crying into Tyler’s shoulder. To say Tyler was shocked at this progression would be an understatement, but he recovered quickly and wrapped his arms around Josh’s waist.

He noticed how wet Josh’s shirt felt on his arms, pulling away slightly to see some pale blood patches on his arms from where they were pressed up against Josh’s sides.

He decided not to say anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When you just want to get to the fluff but it’s gonna take a while 
> 
> Also not sure if I wanna add smut to this, so let me know if that something you want to see
> 
> Lyrics from the song Drown By Tyler Joseph
> 
> Edit: Apparently I had some of the lyrics wrong, but everywhere I looked said what I had previously (and this is his scar  
> but it's warm from crying.) Only Genius had them written down the new way (and this is his call but it’s more of a cry), so if they are now wrong again I give up  
> Sorry about that, the Genius lyrics do make sense though, so I have no idea  
> Even lyricsbox has it as something different (and this is his call but it's war from crying)  
> I guess we'll just never know what is right or wrong unless Tyler comes out and says it


	6. Josh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning  
> Anxiety mention  
> Self harm  
> Child abuse  
> Suicidal thoughts  
> Purging mention

Josh seemed to calm down almost instantly when he was being hugged by Tyler, yeah he had his little emotional breakdown where he just cried but at least he wasn’t having an anxiety attack.

He could hear soft whispers coming from Tyler and he wondered what it was.

“ _I don’t know_  
_Where I’m supposed to go_  
_So I might just_  
_Take my pride and go_  
_Some people, they know,_  
_Know everything,_  
_But I know that_  
_They don’t know my heart_.”

He was singing again, maybe he picked up on the fact that his singing calmed Josh down completely. He felt vacant earlier when he first heard Tyler singing in the woods after leaving school, but calmed down really quickly. He knew the lyrics before were sad but he didn’t really care, it was still beautiful.

“ _Cause I, oh yeah I,_  
_Believe in love_  
_And I hope I can show you what I mean_  
_And I don’t believe love’s for me_  
_So won’t you come around and prove me wrong_.”

Oh even Tyler’s love songs were sad, Josh wasn’t sure if he should cry or not. Tyler thought he wasn’t worthy of love, this poor boy has been hurt so badly.

“ _Won’t walk the world_  
_Any different,_  
_And my path won’t change until you_  
_Make a wall and make me fall_  
_And break me down_.”

Josh tightened his grip around Tyler, that seemed to get his attention as he stopped singing. “How you feeling baby?” Josh whined mostly because Tyler wasn’t singing anymore and his color was always prettier when he sang. But also because of the pet name, it was cute.

“Please finish the song.” Josh struggled to get the words out, his throat feeling raw and misused from all the crying.

“Okay baby boy I’ll finish.” Josh felt his face heat up at the use of the new pet name.

“ _I don’t know, I don’t know_  
_If I wrote this in vain,_  
_In vain, in vain, in vain_.”

Josh’s grip around Tyler was starting to loosen again, he wanted to fall asleep but knew he shouldn’t, he had to go get his siblings in half an hour.

“ _I, oh yeah I,_  
_Believe in love_  
_And I hope I can show you what I mean_  
_And I don’t believe love’s for me_  
_So won’t you come around and prove me wrong_  
_Prove me wrong_.”

Tyler’s voice got an edge to it, the magenta turned pink and the cyan turned purple. It was beautiful and soft.

“ _You don’t know me,_  
_And I don’t know you,_  
_Tell me why should I_  
_Do all..._

 _So won’t you come around and prove me wrong_.”

Tyler’s song ended too quickly and Josh felt Tyler press a kiss to the top of his head. “Come on baby boy, time to go home, I have to get back to school before Jenna finds out I left early and completely chews me out for it.”

Josh whined into Tyler’s neck again before pulling back and standing up with Tyler’s help. He pulled his phone out to check the time.

“Shit, I have to go get my siblings from school.” Just before he leaves the woods, he turns sharply, “thank-you Tyler, you made me feel better.”

“It wasn’t a problem Jishwa, I didn’t mind in the slightest.”

“Jishwa?”

“Yep, it’s your nickname now.” Tyler chuckled, Josh’s face was getting hot again.

“I’ll see you tomorrow Tyjo.” That got Tyler to blush, he obviously wasn’t expecting a nickname himself.

“See you tomorrow baby boy.” He said it with such a sweet smile, Josh spun so fast he almost fell over as he ran off towards the elementary school. His face was burning so much, he couldn’t get the magenta/cyan voice out of his head.

||-//

He felt weird waiting outside the school gates for his siblings since everyone else was a parent.

“Josh!” Three excited voices of mismatched colors sounded towards him, he was always able to pick his siblings colors out of everyone one else’s because he was so used to seeing them.

“Alright you little monkeys let’s get home and grab some food.” Josh didn’t mind being the primary caregiver to his siblings as long as he wasn’t having a shit day. Today wasn’t good in any sense but after being comforted by Tyler’s singing he really didn’t care about what happened at school.

The walk back home felt longer than it had in the morning, but they all shared stories about their first day of school, talking about the new friends they made in such a short time.

Josh looked up from whatever Ashley was talking about to see their fathers car in the driveway, it definitely wasn’t their this morning meaning he had come home from work early. This wasn’t good, he stopped the other three from walk and when they looked at him he pointed to the car, each one of them had a look of shock and dread on their face.

They slowly approached the house, opening the door as quietly as possibly and closing it with equal quietness. Josh motioned for his siblings to go up stairs as silently as they can, he could hear their father making noise in the kitchen probably looking for alcohol.

When his siblings had safely made it up the stairs and into Ashley and Abigail’s room knowing that they were safe from their fathers wrath. He made his way into the kitchen to get some food for them.

“What are you doing here, you piece of shit?” Great here it comes. That harsh red and black coming from his fathers voice, it made him feel sick every time he had to look at it.

“Getting food and because I live here.” Back talking his father was never a good thing to do especially when he was drunk, but Josh seriously couldn’t deal with this shit right now.

“You fucking little shit, you have no right to talk to me like that.” His father slammed his empty beer bottle onto the counter hard enough that it smashed. Josh was really glad his father never got violent, but that could always change.

Josh decided to back up from where his father was, essentially cowering in the corner of the kitchen.

“Yeah you better back up fucking faggot.” His parents didn’t know he was actually gay because if they did he’d probably be kicked out or killed, either way it wasn’t worth it if it meant leaving his siblings alone with their awful fucking parents.

His father eventually got tired of him and grabbed another bottle of beer before heading to the kitchen mumbling under his breath about Josh being a piece of shit and how he should kill himself already.

Josh tried not to let the words get to him before he felt tears begin to prickle at the corner of his eyes, he rapidly blinked to get rid of them. He made four sandwich’s for him and his siblings before sneaking upstairs so that his father didn’t hear.

He went into the room his siblings were in to hand them their sandwich’s and sitting down to eat with them and help with any homework they might have gotten that day.

||-//

Their mother came in around 10pm, his siblings were already tucked into bed for the night but sadly Josh had to listen to his parents argue for at least an hour before his mother came up the stairs to go to bed.

Josh decided that now was a good time to slice his thighs open, he had already cut that day in school but he just need the release, he needed to feel something that wasn’t constant hatred.

He grabs his razor blade before pulling his jeans off and slicing his soft skin open watching the blood flow down his legs to his ankles before deciding that he should probably clean up. He really didn’t want to though he wanted to cut until he was dying from blood loss, but that was a bad idea.

He cleaned himself up before getting into bed, he really wished he was strong enough to kill himself.

Unbeknownst to him a magenta/cyan boy has passed out with blood and vomit surrounding him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m hoping this doesn’t have too many chapters, I’m aiming for 25-30 but it could go past that
> 
> Song lyrics from Prove me wrong - Tyler Joseph


	7. Tyler

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning  
> Eating disorder  
> Purging  
> Suicidal thoughts 
> 
> Updates will probably be a little bit more all over the place since my classes start again on Monday

Luckily for Tyler he arrived back at the school before Jenna had gotten out of the building, so he just waited by her car for her to show up and take him home.

“Hey Ty, you all ready to go home?” Jenna’s voice always made him feel deep purple, she’s probably one of the only people that can make him feel that way, normally it’s just the piano that does.

“All ready Jen, I just wanna get home and sleep.” Well he was also going to finish writing the song Josh had helped him with in the woods, but she didn’t need to know that.

Jenna didn’t really care about Tyler writing music but he always felt silver when other people heard him, he felt that way earlier when Josh had started supplying lyrics.

“Alright then let’s go.”

||-//

The second Tyler stepped into his home he was assaulted with questions by his parents asking him why he wasn’t in his last two periods, great the school had already called them.

_**Idiot boy doesn’t even know how to get away properly.** _

Tyler shook his head to clear the voice of Blurryface, if only for a little while.

“I just didn’t feel very well mom, don’t worry.” Tyler was good at hiding his eating disorder but he wasn’t very good at lying outright to his mother.

“Then why didn’t you go to the school nurse.” Shit his mom was good at this, the school would have told her if he went.

“I didn’t really see the point.” Tyler shrugged as he said this, “ now can I please go to my room, I’m still not feeling too good.”

His mother eyed his cautiously, “yes off you go, I’ll call you when it’s time for dinner.”

With that his mother left Tyler alone at the front door, he wanted to vomit at the mere mention of food but held it in and instead headed up to his room to finish writing the song.

||-//

“Tyler dinners ready.” His mother called up to him. He put his lyric journal away in his desk draw but heaving a sigh and heading downstairs.

As soon as Tyler saw what today’s meal was he bagged a little, meatloaf, probably one of his least favourite foods and also really hard to bring back up. He cut everything up into tiny pieces hope it would help let, which it probably wouldn’t but it’s worth a shot.

He put some in his mouth and chewed slowly, 123456, swallow and again 123456 swallow. He did this five times before eventually giving up and just pushing the food around on his plate as his family talked about their days. It was the same conversation as every other night.

_**Get rid of it, it’s poisoning us, it needs to go.** _

And with that Tyler excused himself from the table and practically ran to the bedrooms bathroom attachment locking the door and dropping to his knees in front of the toilet. He shoved his finger so far down his throat that it burned, he felt satisfied.

As he felt the vomit coming up his throat he pulled his fingers out grazing them against his teeth causing them to bleed. He had blood under his nails, shit he’s made his throat bleed too.

_**Idiot. Worthless. Hope you die.** _

Yeah Tyler was wishing he could die in this moment too, he missed the toilet it landed underneath him he was too busy looking at his finger to really remember that sick was coming up.

He started violently coughing as he vomited more, he didn’t care where it went now he’d have to clean it up anyway. The more he threw up the blood was starting to get mixed in with it, was he throwing up his stomach lining if so he was seriously fucked.

Eventually he was vomiting pure blood, he heard banging on his bathroom door and shouting but everything was hazy. Just as the door was busted open he collapsed and passed out.

||-//

_Beep_

He could hear strange noises but didn’t know where they were coming from.

_Beep_

He tried to open his eyes but had to force them shut again at the bright light.

_Beep_

He slowly tried to open his eyes this time, he looked around after adjusting to the light around him. He was in the hospital.

_No no no no, he couldn’t be here he had the leave. They’ll lock him up in the crazy house if they find out, he couldn’t go there he’ll never get out._

“Ah I see you awake.” The sickly sweet voice made him feel amber, purple and red. “Do you know where you are? You’re in the hospital, you were brought here after you were found passed out in the bathroom before your mother.”

Great it was his mother that found him, he was going to be interrogated later.

“You lost a lot of blood, so you have a blood transfusion happening that should be finished in about 5 minutes. Why don’t you rest while I go and inform your family that you’re awake.” And with that the doctor left to go get his family.

Tyler decided to look down at himself to see what was inside of him, he had an IV drip in his hand, a needle in his arm connecting to the blood, and a breathing tube at his nose. Thank god they didn’t tube him he probably would have killed himself right then and there, he didn’t want 1500 calories going into him.

When his family entered his siblings looked so distraught that they didn’t know where to look or what to say. His parents however just looked at him like he just killed someone.

“What were you thinking Tyler, getting hospitalised because of vomiting. Do you know how bad this will make out family look?” And here it comes the onslaught of shit from his mother.

“Well you didn’t have to bring me here.” Back talking probably wasn’t a good idea in this situation but Tyler really couldn’t be assed to hear this shit right now.

“I wouldn’t have if you hadn’t been surrounded by blood.” Good to know. “When you get realised I want you to find somewhere else to live for a week, I don’t want to see you in my house until then.”

That shocked everyone in the room except his father, but all of his siblings looked mortified at the prospect of Tyler being kicked out for a week.

“Wait what you can’t be serious, why?” Tyler couldn’t understand, had he disgraced them that much just by getting put in the hospital.

“Because you’re an embarrassment Tyler, you have one week to sort yourself out before coming back into my home. Now let’s go kids.” With that she left being trailed after by his siblings who looked like they really didn’t want to leave Tyler alone.

_**Yes, out of the house with that horrible woman for a week.** _

||-//

Tyler got realised the next day, turns out he was asleep almost all of Tuesday so he ended up missing school because of that. Jenna picked him up after school from the hospital and with permission from his mother he was allowed to go and collect his school things and clothes before going to find somewhere to stay for a week.

“Please Jen, can’t I just stay with you.”

“I’m sorry Ty, but you know we don’t have any room for you to stay especially for a week. I asked Brendon and he said that he has a spare bed in his room, and he also sleeps in the basement in his house, he’d gladly let you stay there for a week and his parents even said it was okay.”

Jenna was really trying to help him but the prospect of living with someone that you weren’t really friends with was a little intimidating. But he had no other choice plus Brendon was willing to let him stay there even when they weren’t friends.

“Fine, I have no choice either way do I?” There was no winning against Jenna.

“Nope also we’re right outside his house and I was going to drag you inside regardless of whether you wanted to or not.” She said with a confident smirk and downright frightening look in her eyes. Damn Jenna could be scary when she wanted to be.

“Awesome.”

Getting out the car they headed to the front door, just before they could knock Brendon opened the door and pulled then inside.

“Okay then Tyler I’ll show you down to the basement, you don’t have to worry about coming up here for the toilet since there’s a bathroom down there.” Brendon seemed way too overexcited about the prospect of Tyler living there.

“Thank-you Brendon we really appreciate that you’re letting Tyler stay here.” Jenna was always the nicer of the two of them when it came to thanking people.

“Hey it’s no problem I’d do it for anyone if they needed it. Also Tyler, Josh was asking about in school all of today and yesterday so you should probably text or call him to let him know your fine.”

Damn Tyler had completely forgotten about his encounter with Josh on Monday and saying that he’d see him in school the next day.

“Umm... yeah I’ll do that but I ah don’t have his number.” Damn he stuttered.

“Not a problem dude I’ll give it to you.”

“T-Thanks.” Tyler really needed to learn to not stutter so much.

||-//

After Jenna had left and Brendon had given him Josh’s number as well as his own, Tyler decided to send Josh a message telling him he was okay.

 **Tyler:** Hey Josh don’t worry about me I’m okay, I’m staying at Brendon’s.

After ten minutes with no response he realised he never said who was messaging him.

 **Tyler:** It’s Tyler by the way.

 **Josh:** OMG thank god you’re okay, are you gonna be in school tomorrow I just really wanna hug you and make sure you most definitely are okay.

Josh responded almost immediately after and the response made Tyler blush.

 **Tyler:** Yeah I’ll be at school, can’t wait for that hug baby boy.

Tyler started to feel all pink, deep purple and cyan. Josh made him feel so many things.

 **Josh:** It’ll be the best hug you’ve ever received babe.

Damn now Josh has started with the pet names, he has to admit it is kinda cute.

 **Tyler:** I’ll see you tomorrow then for sure this time, goodnight baby boy.

 **Josh:** Goodnight babe.

As Tyler was drifting off he was unaware of the tapestry the boy with sky blue hair had created on his body over the past couple days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When you start to regret the decision of writing so much angst, that you cry for a solid three hours at how much your hurting these smol beans
> 
> But we’ve hit the point of no return so I’ll just have to continue until somebody dies whether that’s me or one of the boys, I guess we’ll never know


	8. Josh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning  
> Panic attack mention  
> Self harm

Josh got through his morning routine, getting his siblings ready for school, feeding them and taking them to school before going himself. He met up with Brendon, Ryan and Dallon before it was time to go to homeroom.

He hasn’t seen Tyler yet today but he only had maths with him which was going to be third period today so he has to get through two boring hours before he can see him. However, when he entered the classroom Tyler was no where to be see, his seat was empty and even after the lesson had begun Tyler still hadn’t shown up.

Josh was starting to get worried, _what if he was hurt? What if he died? Is he okay?_ He could feel a panic attack coming on but he pushed it down when he spotted Jenna, Josh remembered she was Tyler’s best friend.

“Hey Jenna, do you know where Tyler is?” Josh felt a little awkward talking to her about Tyler since she probably didn’t know about the encounter the two boys had in the woods yesterday.

“When I went to pick him up from his house this morning his sister told me he was in the hospital.” Now that Josh really looked at her it looked like she was pale, paper than normal like she knew exactly why he was in the hospital but Josh decided not to push the topic.

“Oh okay, I was just worried because he wasn’t in maths today.” His panic was setting in.

“Yeah sorry about that Josh.” Jenna gave him a soft smile, she was nice which is probably why her and Tyler were best friends her voice was also very relaxing to listen to.

||-//

As soon as Josh got home from school, food in his siblings stomachs and safely tucked away into bed he grabbed his sharpest blade and went at his stomach. It stung at first because of how sensitive his skin is there but after he got used to the pain he couldn’t stop.

He was addicted to the way it felt, the burning under his skin, the blood as it slowly dripped down his navel. He eventually had to move onto his sides after running out of room of his stomach, they were still healing from the time he did it in school so he had to go around the old ones in order to make new ones.

He would never do it on his arms because it was harder to hide when it was too hot to wear a jacket, so he had to stick to areas that could easily be hidden with clothing. When he was satisfied with the artwork he had created on his skin he cleaned up with a shower and got into bed for the night.

Hopefully Tyler would be in school tomorrow.

||-//

The same thing happened, he went through his morning routine, met up with his friends then headed off to class. He didn’t have maths today which kind of sucked since the only way he’ll see Tyler is in the cafeteria, but even when he got in there to go find Brendon, Ryan and Dallon he only spotted Jenna sitting with them.

“Hey guys, where’s Tyler?” Josh probably sounded weird since he asked where he was yesterday as well.

“Still in the hospital, he woke up last night and he said he’s getting released after school so I’m gonna go pick him up.” Jenna looked worse than yesterday almost like she hadn’t slept.

“Oh, I’m hope he’s doing okay.” Josh tried to give her a soft sympathetic smile, but it probably came off as worried and panicky.

“Yeah me too.” She all but mumbled that under her breath but Josh caught it and he color had gone from sunshine yellow and autumn orange to a color that probably would be dread if his synesthesia covered emotions as color.

“I’m gonna head to the bathroom, see you guys later.” He didn’t wait for them to say goodbye back before he was darting out the cafeteria and into the bathroom close by.

He realises this is the same one he found Tyler throwing up in, he didn’t think too much about that encounter before he’s taking his blades out and pulling his jeans down to his knees.

He can’t use the top of his thighs because they are still healing from a few nights ago, so he decides to go for the inner part of his thigh stopping just next to the crease in his knee before moving onto his other legs.

He gets such a rush out of cutting in a public area that he goes into a somewhat frenzy, once he starts he can’t stop. He would never admit it to himself but he is definitely addicted, the feeling of blood beading up and flowing down his leg is exhilarating.

Josh quickly finishes up, wipes away any excess blood before heading off to his next class, he’s trying to not to skip anymore. He thinks about how he never used to cut as much as he does now until he first saw Tyler, it isn’t Tyler’s fault though Josh just sees him as the only person who can understand what he’s going through.

||-//

School ends which is never good because it means he has to go home and possibly get screamed at by one or both of his parents. When he arrives at home with his siblings they are surprised to see their mother home and she’s packing her car up with boxes.

“Mom, what are you doing?” Josh doesn’t really like to talk to his mother but he’s hoping she won’t scream at him since they are out in the open where the neighbours can see.

“I’m leaving.” Her voice is as sharp as knives and leaking with black and red.

“Leaving?” Josh was confused they just moved, where could she possibly be going.

“You’re father and I are getting a divorce, so I’m leaving he’s also gaining custody of all four of you since I don’t want any of you.” Hold up what, first his mother springs on them that his parents are getting a divorce out of no where, second she says she’s leaving because of it and third they have to stay with their shitty father that would rather kill them than acknowledge that he has kids.

“So you’re just leaving us with a shitty excuse of a father.” Josh was starting to get angry now, why would she fucking do that to them, Josh could understand why she’d leave him she hated him with a passion but his siblings didn’t deserve such shitty treatment.

“That’s exactly what I said stupid idiot, you need to learn to listen.” She is such a bitch.

“Fine whatever, come on guys let’s get inside for food.” He looked at his siblings and they looked down right terrified of what was about to happen.

They left their mother to continue to pack her stuff in peace, before heading to the kitchen.

“Josh are we going to die?” Jordan was the first one to saying anything on the matter, it was also the first time he had ever said anything like that.

“No Jordan of course not, I’ll protect you guys with my life you know that right?” He got three nods in unison. “We’ll get out of here soon, I swear on my life.” With that the conversation was over, he made another promise with that he wasn’t able to keep.

||-//

Nighttime quickly fell, he hadn’t heard from anyone about how Tyler was doing and he had made more cuts on his body over his ribs since it was the only free place he really had without moving to his arms.

Josh heard the sound of his phone go off and he looked to see he had a text from a number he didn’t recognise or have saved in his phone, he decided to ignore it.

 **Unknown:** Hey Josh don’t worry about me I’m okay, I’m staying at Brendon’s.

Ten minutes later his phone went off again with the a text from the same number.

 **Unknown:** It’s Tyler by the way.

That got him to respond instantly, he probably responded a little bit too quickly but he was so worried he didn’t really care. Tyler messaged him back and they continued to talk until Tyler said he was going to get some sleep.

 **Tyler:** I’ll see you tomorrow then for sure this time, goodnight baby boy.

 **Josh:** Goodnight babe.

I love y...

He erased the message instead of finishing it, Tyler would never need to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel bad with how much I’m hurting these poor boys 
> 
> But changing the story now would be a waste of time and I already have it all planned out


	9. Tyler

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning  
> Eating disorder  
> Purging  
> Slight homophobia

Tyler woke up in the morning not really feeling like going to school but he knew he had to, he also really wanted that hug from Josh, when they hugged in the woods it felt like every color in the rainbow with pink mixed in, though that’s probably a bit of an exaggeration it did feel amazing.

He sent a quick text to Jenna saying that Brendon offered to take him to school for the time that he’s staying with him, she didn’t seem to mind in the slightest.

||-//

When Tyler and Brendon got to school he decided to just hang out with Brendon and his friends before Jenna got there and they could head to homeroom together.

All of a sudden he was tackled from behind and almost feel to the floor before strong arms wrapped around his waist and a head was placed into the crook of his neck. The breathing on his neck tickled his skin, out of the corner of his eye he saw beautiful sky blue hair and instantly knew who it was.

“Hey, did you miss me that much?” Tyler put a playful tone to his voice but the response he got made him feel slightly gold, Josh’s voice was ragged.

“You have no idea.” He mumbled it into his neck, Tyler turned around then and Josh moved his head slightly so that they didn’t head butt each other before placing his face back against Tyler’s neck.

“How you feeling baby boy?” Tyler whispered this into Josh’s ear so that only he could hear him.

Josh whined softly, “I just really missed you, maths was so boring without you there.” Tyler chuckled at that, he kissed the top of Josh’s head before placing a gentle kiss to his cheek and then wrapping his arms around Josh’s neck and burying his face there.

He was really tempted to place a soft kiss to the side of his neck but decided that was going too far. “It’s okay baby boy, I’m here now you won’t be lonely anymore.” He could feel Josh’s soft smile against his neck, Tyler was being overwhelmed with color right now Josh always made him feel so much.

“Umm... guys.” They sprang apart at the interruption from Brendon, “we need to get to homeroom.”

Suddenly Tyler was feeling silver and lilac, apparently in the cuddle session Jenna had appeared and was giving Tyler a shit eating grin. Brendon, Ryan and Dallon didn’t seem to care that much that Tyler and Josh had just been hugging in the corridor.

_**Faggot.** _

_Thanks for the input asshole._

_**Anytime, loser faggot.** _

||-//

It was lunch and Tyler desperately wanted to purge, he couldn’t do it last night while at Brendon’s house he didn’t want to get caught again and he couldn’t do it in the hospital because then they’d think he was crazy.

So for the mean time he’s going to have to do it at school, which was probably worse than Brendon’s but at least if anyone walked in they wouldn’t know who it was.

He drank a whole bottle of water before excusing himself to the bathroom. He checked to make sure Josh wasn’t following him this time before slipping in and heading for a stall. He dropped to his knees and shoved his fingers down his throat, he tried to be careful since he didn’t want a repeat of what happened on Monday.

The idea of vomiting his stomach lining again wasn’t that appealing, he preferred when his sick came out clear not blood red. He also didn’t want his throat to start bleeding again since that would mean he’d probably be unable to purge for a few days.

He wanted to feel clean, he didn’t know what color clean felt like he had never reached that point but he was determined to get there at some stage.

Thankfully his vomit turned clear and didn’t have a spot of blood within it, he flushed the toilet and headed out to wash up before popping some gum in his mouth to get rid of the taste and make his breath smell better.

||-//

School ended as quick as it started, Brendon and Tyler had arrived back at Brendon’s house before Tyler got a text from Josh.

 **Josh:** Come meet me at the park babe.

 **Tyler:** On my way baby boy.

“Hey Brendon, I’m gonna head out for a bit I’ll be back later.”

“Yeah sure thing dude.”

And with that Tyler was out the house and practically running to the park to meet up with Josh. He found him pushing a couple of little kids on the swings.

“Hey Jishwa.” Josh turned to look in Tyler’s direction before motioning him over.

“Ty these are my sibling, Ashley, Abbie and Jordan.” They were really adorable.

“Hey little ones.” Ashley who looked to be the eldest of the three younger siblings gave him and evil look before turning away and grabbing Jordan by the hand to take him over to the slide.

“Sorry about that she’s really... ah protective despite being so young.”

“Nah it’s fine I totally get it. I have three younger siblings as well, though their all older than yours.” Tyler never really talked about his family, since no one really believed he was actually related to them.

“That’s a shame I was hoping they could be friends.” Josh didn’t really look like he did want them to be friends though.

Josh looked around to check his siblings were still in the park boundaries, Ashley and Jordan were playing on the slide and Abbie was sat in the Wendy house. They looked so carefree but Tyler felt like that was just a mask, no child that young should have such a perfect mask in place.

“So what did you want to meet with me for?” They sat down on the bench so that they had full view of the park.

“Just wanted to have someone to talk to while those three play for a bit.” Josh had a soft smile as well as a sad look in his eyes as he monitored his siblings.

“So you don’t actually need me here you could have anyone, I see how it is baby boy.” That got Josh to flush a bright red, he was so cute when he blushed.

“I mean sure could have asked anyone to meet me but I’d much prefer if it was you.” Damn he felt so many things from the boy.

“Well I’m glad you asked me baby boy, I really missed you after lunch today.” That was an understatement, he just wanted to cuddle with Josh all day after the hug they shared in the corridor.

“Well now I’m here you don’t have to miss me anymore.” Josh seemed to tentatively reach out for Tyler’s hand before threading their fingers together and turning soft looks to each other. They wouldn’t kiss in the park with Josh’s siblings around but it was nice to just sit there holding hands.

The sun slowly started to set which meant it was time to go home. “I had fun with you today maybe we should do this again another time.” Josh was blushing and looking away when he said this.

“Yeah I think we should baby boy, maybe without the little devils to look after. Just me, you and the woods again.”

“Yeah that seems like a good idea, I’d have to get someone to mind my siblings though.”

“I’m sure Jenna wouldn’t mind, she absolutely adores kids.”

“Yeah, okay umm... what about Saturday then?”

“You’ve got yourself a date baby boy.” Tyler emphasised that with a wink before pulling Josh into a hug. Tyler placed a kiss on Josh’s cheek before burying his face into his neck and placing a soft kiss there as well.

They didn’t notice the horrified and disgusted look someone was giving them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow would you look at that two chapters in one day and I started back at uni today, I’m on a roll
> 
> But there probably won’t be a chapter for a few days, I just felt like writing more than one today
> 
> Color meaning  
> Silver - insecure  
> Gold - distressed  
> Lilac - embarrassed


	10. Josh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning  
> Self harm   
> Child abuse   
> Suicide attempt

Josh was the first to pull back, he loved being in Tyler’s arms but he felt like it was time to go home, his siblings would need food soon.

“Well, as much as I love hugging you and having you place soft kisses on me, I’m gonna need to head home and get the gremlins fed.” Josh didn’t feel like heading back but he knew he needed to, he just wanted to spend more time with Tyler. 

“Yeah I should be heading back to Brendon’s, I shouldn’t be getting back too late.” He studied Tyler for a bit before saying anything else.

“I’ll see in school tomorrow then kitten.” Tyler flushed a bright red.

“Umm... yeah I’ll see you tomorrow baby boy.” His magenta turned pale pink, he must have liked the pet name.

Tyler turned around and left the park heading back to Brendon’s. Josh turned to gather up his siblings before heading home with them and sorting them out for the night.

||-//

Josh’s father came home drunk, he found Josh in the kitchen as he was cleaning up and started going off on him. 

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing here? You haven’t fucking killed your self yet? Why can’t you just be dead?” His fathers voice was bathed in red and black, such disgusting colors when mixed together.

Josh could never deal with the shit he got from his parents, his mother wasn’t as bad as his father was, she never really talked to him unless absolutely necessary. He didn’t want his day being ruined, he finally got to hug Tyler and he has a date coming up, overall this day has been one of the best since he moved to Ohio. 

“You’re a waste of fucking space. I wish your mother would have just killed you instead of leaving you here after she fucked off.” Josh could feel tears starting to prickle at the corner of his eyes. 

He slowly started to back up out of the kitchen while his father had his back turned on him to get a bottle out of the fridge. 

He hit the wall.

A bottle smashed against the wall next to his head. 

He felt a cold wetness dripping down his face.

He slowly raised his hand to touch it and pulled it away.

He saw crimson blood. 

Josh turned around and ran out of the doorway in the kitchen and up the stairs to his room. He rushed to the mirror to assess the damage on his face and saw that he had a gash going down the right side of his face. It was most likely going to scar and he will definitely be getting questioned tomorrow at school on what happened. 

He wasn’t thinking as he grabbed his blades and sliced open his wrists, he didn’t realise how deep they were. He ran out of the house afterwards not even caring as his father shouted insults at him, he ran and he kept on running until he came to a bridge that had a pretty far drop off it into a canal.

He climbed over the railing and onto the little ledge on the other side. He could feel his knees trembling as he stood there looking down at the water below him. It was late at night so thankfully there was next to no one out on the roads. 

“I need to die. It’s the best thing to do. No one will miss me. I’m a burden to everyone. Nobody loves me.” He kept repeating these things over and over again. He could feel the blood dripping down his arms, he looked down to see that his arms and hands were covered in blood and the cuts on his wrists were deep. Deep enough to kill him.

He was starting to feel lightheaded so he grabbed onto the raining behind him. He was losing a lot of blood and fast. 

“Josh?” A sunshine yellow and autumn orange voice made it to his eyes. “Are you okay?” It was filled with concern, practically dripping with it.

“Josh, please answer me. I need to make sure you’re okay.” He recognised the color to be Jenna after a while but he couldn’t bring himself to say anything other than the next few words that fell from his mouth as darkness took over him.

“Tell Tyler I’m sorry.” 

He fell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This shit went from 0-100 in like 2 seconds
> 
> Hope I’m not killing you all inside with the angst 
> 
> Also can we just appreciate the Chlorine music video and can I just say Ned is the cutest goat gremlin furby thing I’ve ever seen


	11. Tyler

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning  
> Suicide attempt mention  
> Purging  
> Eating disorder  
> Self harm mention  
> Suicidal thoughts  
> Slight homophobia

Tyler woke up to his phone going off, he didn’t check the caller id before answering.

“Hello?” He sounded sleepy but the voice on the other end was hurried and scared.

“Tyler come to the bridge that I first met you at, now! He needs help, bring Brendon with you.” Jenna was speaking so fast Tyler’s sleep addled mind couldn’t really keep up.

“Who needs help Jen?” Her response was all he needed to get into action.

“Josh.” She hung up after saying his name. Tyler could feel red, purple, jade green and amber all at once.

“Brendon, get up we have to go.” He was getting increasingly more worried and scared, what happened to Josh that made Jenna so scared.

“What why?” Brendon was tired, he voice was filled with sleep.

“Josh needs help let’s go.” At that Brendon was up and grabbing shoes and a jacket.

“Where to?”

“The bridge.”

“Which one?” They were rushing to the car.

“The one over the canal.” Tyler didn’t want to panic but he was starting to feel like he was going to.

||-//

The second they got to the bridge they saw Jenna kneeling on the floor, there was another body lying down next to her that they could only assume was Josh.

“Jen what happened?” Concern laced with Tyler’s voice.

“We need to take him to the hospital, Tyler he has to go now. Help me get him into the car.” She was crying.

Tyler and Brendon walked over to them and saw exactly why Josh needed to get to the hospital fast. He had dried blood as well as fresh blood covering his arms, he had a huge gash on the right side of his face that looked like it had small pieces of glass stuck in it.

Tyler and Brendon lifted him up with such care as to not injure him anymore, Jenna open the back car door so that they could get him in. She gave Tyler a sympathetic look, she knew Tyler never watched to go back to the bridge after the first time they met but he would do anything if it involved Josh. He got into the back with Josh and rested his head in his lap.

The drive to the hospital was careful but fast, every time Josh whimpered at being jostled Tyler would stroke his hair and whisper reassurances to him. When they arrived at the hospital Jenna was out the car fast to rush and get a wheelchair for Josh while Brendon and Tyler worked on getting him out of the car.

They rushed him into the ER and as soon as a nurse saw them, they instantly took Josh into a room to get stitches in his arms and face. They weren’t allowed in since they weren’t family, so they just sat outside of the room until they were allowed inside.

“It’ll be okay Tyler, he’s gonna be okay.” Jenna was trying so hard to calm him down but it wasn’t working, he was feeling orange.

“It’s all my fault, I didn’t protect him.”

_**Worthless idiot couldn’t protect his stupid boyfriend from trying to kill himself. You should go join him. You’ve tried before maybe this time you’ll succeed.** _

_Stop it. Shut up. You aren’t real. Leave me alone._

_**I’m more real than you think, faggot.** _

_That’s not true. Go away. I hate you._

_**The only way to make me go away is if you kill yourself.** _

Tyler was starting to cry now, he couldn’t handle it when Blurry was talking to him like that and his emotions were already all over the place with his concern for Josh. He stood up and when Jenna tried to stop him he just said he was going to the bathroom.

He needed to throw up but he had nothing in his system, he hasn’t eat in at least three days and he had no liquid inside of him to get rid of either. He decided to try regardless, if he started to throw up his stomach lining again well it was just part of the process to making himself clean.

After throwing up what little he could without blood coming out, he cleaned up and returned to Jenna and Brendon. When he got back he saw that Brendon was hugging Jenna as she cried, it wasn’t the first person she’s had to try and stop from killing themselves but Josh was in such a start when they got there that Tyler’s surprised he even made it to the bridge to begin with.

He sat back down with them and he felt like crying himself but refrained from doing so, he didn’t want to show any weakness. A nurse came out of the room and all three of them stood up so fast they got a bit dizzy.

“How is he?” Brendon seemed to be the only one composed enough to actually talk.

“He’s stable, you got him here just in time. He did lose a lot of blood so he’s having a transfer done.” Nurses and doctors have such sickly voices.

“Can we go in and see him?” Tyler asked the question and the nurse looked at him with a sympathetic look, she looked like she wanted to say no because they weren’t family but she softly nodded and motioned them to go inside.

Tyler wasted no time in rushing to Josh side, he looked so broke and all he wanted to do was wrap Josh up in his arms and whisper reassurances while giving him soft kisses all over his face, missing the gash of course.

He just settled with picking up Josh’s hand as gently as he could and holding onto it.

“Oh baby boy I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you. I should be protecting you but I failed. I’m sorry so so so sorry.” Tyler was definitely crying he could feel the tears running down his cheeks.

He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up to see Brendon there still hugging Jenna as she cried hard.

“He’s okay Ty, he’s alive, you helped him stay alive.” Brendon was calming everyone down with his presence and soft words.

Tyler nodded after hearing Brendon’s words but he didn’t believe them.

||-//

They all settled down and eventually fell asleep, nobody told them to leave. It was probably around 8am when Tyler woke up to the gentle clench of a hand in his own he looked up to see Josh was slowly starting to wake up.

“Baby boy?” Josh whined, Tyler wasn’t sure if it was because of the pet name or because of being in pain.

He slowly opened his eyes against the bright hospital lights. “Where am I?”

“You’re in the hospital baby boy, you’re safe I promise.” Josh started to panic at the mention of the hospital.

“No I have to get home, they need me to look after them. I have to go.” He was struggling to get out of bed.

“Josh, calm down. Who needs you?” He was still struggling but slowly getting calmer as he noticed that it was Tyler talking to him.

“My siblings, I have to look after them.” Tyler didn’t notice that anyone was else awake when he heard Jenna speak up.

“Josh where do you live? I can go and check up on them.” Brendon was nodding along with her.

“Will you bring them to the hospital? I don’t want them going to school if I can’t take them and bring them home.”

“Yes we’ll bring them here don’t worry.” Josh seemed grateful, he gave them his address. Just before they left he spoke up again though.

“Make sure there isn’t a car on the driveway, if there is wait for it to go.” They didn’t even question it before nodding and leaving straight away.

Josh seemed to pick up on the fact that they didn’t seem to care about his home life or ask questions on it. “Why do they never ask?”

“Because everyone has their own personal issues so they’ve learnt to not question others.” Tyler understood this all too well.

Josh accepted that response with a nod, he suddenly got very shy though. “Can you give me a hug, please?”

“Of course I can baby boy but I don’t want to hurt you anymore than you already are.”

“Please I really need you.” He was giving Tyler puppy dog eyes.

“Okay fine, move over a little so that I can get into the bed with you.” Tyler settled down onto the bed and Josh all but threw himself at Tyler in order to snuggle into his arms.

“Thank-you.” Tyler pressed a kiss to top of Josh’s head.

“You’re very welcome baby boy.” They slowly started to drift off again and in next to no time they were asleep again curled up around each other.

Five people walked in and looked at the two sleeping boys so tightly wrapped up in one another, that they softly smiled and left the room again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve been really ill recently and uni work has been stressful 
> 
> I also found out I failed my first semester so that’s fun 
> 
> Anyway uploads will be sperattic for a while


	12. Josh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Loose lips sink ships or do they
> 
> Trigger warning  
> Self harm mention  
> Suicide attempt mention  
> Panic attack

Josh woke up a few hours later to soft whispers and a warm body pressed up against his own. He noticed the voice to be Tyler’s immediately and burrowed his head further into the side of the body against his.

_“You're scared when you say_  
_You talked to them today_  
_When asked your fate_  
_You'll cry, no sound_  
_Wipe the tears with your doubts_  
_And die again”_

“Ty?” His voice was filled with sleep as he whispered for Tyler.

“Hey, baby boy. How you feeling?” Josh hated it when Tyler stopped singing, he was basically asking for it though.

“Keep singing, your color is so beautiful.” Oops Josh just let that slip.

“My color? What do you mean?” Josh was so doped up on morphine that he didn’t even care at this point.

“Your voice. It’s beautiful, it’s relaxing to look at.” He could feel Tyler stiffen up a little and then relax again.

“What color is it, baby boy?” Tyler’s voice gave off an intrigued color bleeding into his magenta/cyan.

“Magenta/cyan when you speak. When you sing your emotions bleed through into you color.” Josh has never spoken about this out loud before, he didn’t even want to acknowledge its existence but it was so prominent throughout his life.

“Really? I didn’t know that.”

“No one can see it, only me. I’m scared people will think I’m a freak if they found out I could see the color of sounds.” Josh was very insecure about his ‘talent’.

“Hey baby boy I don’t think you’re a freak just because you can see that. I haven’t have something that no one else does as well.”

“Really? What is it?” Josh looked up into Tyler’s eyes for the first time since they had started speaking.

“I don’t feel emotions the way that normal people do. I feel colors, each emotion is tied to a color when I’m happy I feel cyan, when I’m angry I feel green.” Tyler’s eyes betrayed his emotions, his voice leaking with fear with each word that he spoke.

“That’s pretty cool, but you’d have to really be in touch with your emotions to be able to understand what each color meant. For me when I see the colors of emotion leaking out of a persons voice I’m able to understand what they are going through in a way that hurts. I don’t like it.” That was the truth but also a lie.

“Is that why you understand my songs so well when I sing.” Josh nodded to that, he really did understand them. The lyrics burned deep within him. “Do you want me to keep singing that same song then?” Again another nod, Josh placed his head back onto Tyler’s chest.

_“Cause I can't sleep_  
_It's just taking time off of my feet_  
_But my head instead is_  
_Going a hundered miles a beat_  
_And I'm thinking as I'm sinking_  
_And he's winking at me_  
_Cause they know the desperation and temptation is free”_

“Are you in pain?” Josh’s voice was a barely there whisper. Tyler didn’t seem to hear him, to ingrained with what he was singing.

_“Do you see?_  
_I can't live this way just to write a song to play_  
_Just to stay alive, just enough to breath away_  
_Another day, another face and I will lose another race_  
_Save me now cause tomorrow's gone_  
_Just like yesterday”_

“Why are you hurting?” Josh doesn’t know why he’s asking these questions but he feels that underlining burn to know the answers.

_“They laugh in your face_  
_Cause they took your grace,_  
_But did you give it away?_  
_Oh yeah_  
_They cry, no sound_  
_Wipe the tears with your doubts_  
_And die again”_

“I want to help you.”

_“On the eve of a day that's forgotten and fake_  
_As the trees, they await_  
_And the clouds anticipate_  
_The start of a day when we put on our face_  
_A mask that portrays that we don't need grace_  
_And the meaning and weight of the day is lost without a trace_  
_On the eve of a day that is bigger than us_  
_but we open our eyes only because we're told that we must_  
_And the trees wave their arms and the clouds try to plead_  
_Desperatly yelling out to something else in this that we need_  
_It happens to be free”_

Tyler’s voice is so soft as he raps part of the song, he has so much to say and not enough time to say it in. Josh knows that he wants to scream the words out, but he’ll be kicked out of the hospital for it.

_“I won't be afraid_  
_I won't be afraid_  
_I won't be afraid_  
_He is strong_  
_And I'll live another day_  
_I'll live another day_  
_I'll live another day_  
_He is strong_  
_And I won't be afraid_  
_I won't be afraid_  
_I won't be afraid_  
_He is strong_  
_And I'll live another day_  
_I'll live another day_  
_I'll live_  
_Cause I can't sleep,_  
_It's just taking time off of my feet,_  
_But my head instead is_  
_Going a hundered miles a beat_  
_And I'm thinking as I'm sinking_  
_And he's winking at me_  
_Cause they know the desperation and temptation is free_  
_Do you see?_  
_We can't live this way just to write a song to play_  
_Just to stay alive, just enough to breath away_  
_Another day, another face and I will lose another race_  
_Save me now cause tomorrow's gone_  
_Just like yesterday”_

“That’s it, baby boy.” Josh was crying, there was so much emotion that he has to look at.

“I’m sorry.” His voice was small.

“Why are you apologising?” He didn’t want to answer that but his mouth betrayed him.

“You’re in so much pain.” Tyler stiffened and went to move off the bed. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry please don’t leave me.” Josh was screaming at Tyler to stay by his side, holing onto his shirt with a weak grip thanks to the drugs in his system.

“Hey, hey I’m not going anywhere, baby boy. I promise, I promise.” Tyler was soothing him but he was still moving away.

“Why are you leaving me? Why don’t you want to stay with me? Please don’t leave me, that’s what everyone does.” Josh was crying hard, he could feel a panic attack building in his chest. Maybe he was already having it.

“Hey Josh look at me. Look at me right now.” Tyler was grabbing his hands.

“No if I look at you, you won’t be there anymore. You’ll leave me, you hate me. Hate me, hate me, HATE ME!”

“Joshua Dun stop right now.” He could feel his arms getting wet but he couldn’t see what was causing it due to the tears in his eyes.

His hands were pulled away from him.

“You don’t need to do that to yourself.”

He didn’t know what he was doing to himself that was so bad.

“Listen to me, feel my breathing, feel my heart beat, look at my voice.”

He couldn’t really understand who was talking to him.

“Look at the magenta/cyan of my voice.”

He closed his eyes.

“Can you see it like that?”

The backs of his eyes were flooded with that beautiful color that makes his heart skip a beat and words dry up in his mouth.

He nodded.

“Good good, now follow my breathing pattern. In for seven out for eight.”

He followed along with the simple instructions.

It slowly became easier to breathe.

“Good baby boy, you’re doing so good for me.”

The praise was exhilarating.

“Now feel my heart beat.”

His hand was pulled up to a warm chest with his palm pressing against it.

“Do you feel that?”

He could.

It was beautiful.

He nodded again.

“Good that’s good, take as long as you need to calm down.”

It was a slow process but eventually Josh calmed down enough that he could look at Tyler again.

“There you are, how are you feeling?”

“Shit.” He whispers it so quietly he hardly made a noise.

“I need to get a nurse so that they can stitch your arms up again.” That shocked Josh, he looked down to see the bandages around his wrists were soaked in blood.

“What happened?” Again it was so quiet.

“During your panic attack you started to scratch at your arms, you must have pulled a stitch.” Tyler’s voice was so soothing.

“It doesn’t hurt.”

“That’s because of the morphine, you can’t feel it.” Josh noticed that Tyler was trying to keep him as calm as possible.

They were smiling at each other and Josh really wanted to lean in and kiss him. That’s when the door to his hospital room was opened, they sprang apart Tyler stayed on the bed though, their faces just moved further apart.

“How are you doing, Josh?” Brendon enters with Dallon and Ryan.

“Did you guys skip school?” Josh was confused why they were all here.

“Oh yeah, I messaged Ryan and Dallon saying you were in the hospital and they came straight away.” Well that’s weird. “Sorry I probably shouldn’t have told them since it wasn’t my place to say.”

“It’s fine don’t worry, I appreciate seeing all my friends when I’m in the hospital.” That got him thinking. “Wait where's Jenna? Where are my siblings?” He was starting to panic again. Tyler lead close and whispered in his ear.

“Hey baby boy shush it’s okay, they won’t be far.” Tyler was holding onto one of Josh’s hands whilst the other was petting through his hair to clam him down.

“Jenna took them to get food since they were getting pretty hungry. I offered to go with her but she said I should come check up on you.” Josh started to calm at that along with Tyler’s ministrations, knowing that his siblings were safe with Jenna was enough for him.

“Thanks Brendon, I’m doing good. I think sleeping has really helped.” Josh forced a smile, he felt Tyler squeeze his hand, he must have noticed.

“Well I’m glad you’re doing better.” He looked at Josh and Tyler’s joined hands and must have seen the blood stained bandage. “I’ll go get a nurse to change your bandages. Come on Dallon, Ryan.”

The three of them walk out, leaving Josh and Tyler alone again.

“How you feeling, baby boy?”

“I’m a mess, Tyler. I tried to kill myself and it didn’t even work, nobody loves me that’s why my mom left us and why my dad verbally abuses me. I’m worthless and I can’t even look after my siblings properly, it was bad before the move but as soon as we got here it got so much worse. People say that the body is an empty canvas waiting to be filled, I’m pretty sure they don’t mean ugly scars and fresh cuts. It isn’t fair why can’t I be normal? Why am I always freaking out? I hate it, I hate everything about me.” He felt Tyler’s hand tighten when he mentioned about the self harm but he pushed through it, he didn’t want pity.

“Your brain is sick. So is mine. But that’s okay.” Josh looked up into Tyler’s eyes then, they looked guarded like he was hiding something.

“It’s not okay, Tyler. People probably think I’m a freak because of how broken I am.” Why couldn’t Tyler understand this?

“You’re not a freak and you’re not broken. You might be hurting now but that pain won’t last forever. You’ll get over it and you’ll learn to love yourself for every scar and every flaw that you have. And if you can’t love yourself right now then I guess I’ll have to do it for you.” Josh was still staring at Tyler and he could see his cheeks turning red.

“You’ll love me?” Josh noticed that Tyler’s voice was bleeding with anxiety and embarrassment, the magenta/cyan twisting with each word every time he spoke.

“Of course I will, I mean I already do. Every since I first lay eyes on you in math class, I knew there was something special about you. You made me feel so many colors, ones that I’ve never felt before.” Josh smiled at those words.

“I love you too. I first saw you the Sunday before I started at our school. You were singing in the woods and your voices color was flowing through the wind, which has never happened before, for me I think that’s when I realised you were special. I don’t think I fell in love you until I heard you speak in class, that’s when I realised the cute boy sitting next to me was the same one I had heard the beautiful singing voice of in the woods.” Now Josh could feel his cheeks heating up as he spoke.

“You heard me that day? I thought I was alone.” Josh feels bad for mentioning that now.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to intrude but I was curious.” Tyler rebounds a smile onto him.

“It’s fine, baby boy. I don’t mind you hearing me sing since you seem to understand the messages I want to get across.”

“Umm... this is gonna sound weird but can I kiss you?” Josh was incredibly nervous, if he could see the color of his own voice then he would definitely have a mix of emotions blending into it.

“I thought you’d never ask.” And with that Tyler was leaning in, pressing a gentle kiss to his lips. Suddenly Josh understands what Tyler meant by feeling color in exchange for emotions. Josh feels an overwhelming sense of cyan and purple, sky blue mixing into those colors weaving its way between.

Both boys are oblivious to what the other is feeling, they have new sensations flooding within each other.

But it’s perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We’re actually getting somewhere with this story  
> Oh shit Josh is feeling colors, what will Tyler experience after the kiss?
> 
> I know it’s been a while since I last updated this but I genuinely forgot where I was going with this after writing so many random fics
> 
> Also I mostly sleep deprived when I write these chapters but this time you have the pleasure of seeing my terrible writing when I’m hungover, I might have still been drunk for a part of this too 
> 
> Lyrics used  
> Just like yesterday by Tyler Joseph


	13. Tyler

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning  
> Eating disorder  
> Purging  
> Suicide attempt

The kiss was electrifying. Tyler’s never kissed anyone before but this is not the feeling he would have associated with that. The colors are going crazy inside of him, they won’t settle for a second, always changing, always becoming something new. But the one that never leaves in sky blue, the color of Josh’s hair, the beautiful color that Tyler fell in love with.

It was perfection, wrap up in tight strings that enveloped them and drew them in deeper, locking them into place and refusing to let go.

When they pull back they give each other soft smiles and loving gazes. It wasn’t an intense kiss in anyway, it was merely a peck on the lips but it felt intense, it felt like too much and not enough all at once. 

It took a moment for Tyler to realise that he was seeing colors all around him. Now that sounds weird because of course he can see colors around him, he isn’t colorblind. But this is new everything that makes a sounds I emanating a color, it hurts too look at but it’s beautiful all at once, he thinks that this is what Josh sees on a daily. It must get annoying with how much the colors blending together are hurting his eyes.

“Woah, everything noise gives off a sound.” 

“You can see them?” Oops did Tyler say that out loud.

“Umm, yeah I can. It really hurts to look at.” He’s not sure if that offensive or not.

“Yeah, I’ve learned to block out most of the unnecessary colors. So I can’t really see anything that’s making a sound in this room.” 

“Oh wow that’s pretty cool, but why can I see the color of sounds now?” 

“Honestly, I don’t know. I can feel colors and emotions all at once and it’s hurting my chest. It’s like I’m being stabbed.” Tyler winces at that.

“I’m sorry, I wouldn’t have kissed you if this was going to happen.” Tyler looks away from Josh, he’s feeling guilty and when he feels guilty he wants to purge.

“Hey it’s fine, I don’t mind it. It isn’t as intense as it was when we kissed. Honestly it’s starting to fade away a little bit, I’m not feeling the colors as much anymore.” That got Tyler to look up at him, he noticed something about Josh in that second. He didn’t have a color.

“Your voice.” 

“What about my voice?”

“It doesn’t have a color.” Josh looks surprised for a second and then looks down at his hands like he wants to bore holes into them. 

“Oh. I was hoping after you told me you could see the colors, that you’d be able to see it and tell me what it looks like. But I guess that’s not how it works, maybe it’s because I can’t see my own voice and I was the one who gave you the ability to see the colors.” He sounds sad, that much Tyler can pick up from his voice.

“I’m sorry. The colors are starting to fade now, almost like they’re going away.” That was true the colors weren’t nearly as bright and intense now, he could barely see them, almost like they weren’t there at all. 

“Maybe it’s only a time limited thing.”

“Yeah maybe.” Just as there conversation ended a nurse came in saying she needed too look at Josh’s wrists.

Josh lifts his hands up for the nurse to change his bandages and check to see if the stitches are okay, in doing so it removed Josh’s right hand from being entangled with Tyler’s left. But in that moment he couldn’t care he just wanted Josh to be okay and safe.

He had pulled one of the stitches in his left wrist and at least three in his right so the nurse restitched them, cleaned them up and bandages them again before going off to get Josh some food. 

“Josh!” Three small but loud voices call out in unison. Tyler recognises the voices belonging to Josh’s three younger siblings.

“Hey monkeys. Has Jenna been looking after you guys well?” At Josh’s question they all nod at once. “Looks like I’m gonna have to thank her.” Three more nods follow that as well as three cheeky smiles.

“I’m gonna go look for Jen and the guys while you have some time with your siblings, okay?” Josh gives him a nod and shy smile before he leans over a places a soft kiss against his cheek.

Tyler smiles back at him before getting up from the bed and exiting the room just before he closes the door Josh calls out to him.

“I wanna talk to you about something later.” Tyler just nods and closes the door before heading off to find Jenna.

||-//

Tyler doesn’t go to find Jenna though, instead he goes and gets a bottle of water from the vending machine and heads off to the bathroom to purge again. He downs the water before shoving his fingers down his throat until he gags hard enough to throw himself into a coughing fit, which makes me hit his head off the toilet causing his vision to spin out of control.

He successfully got himself situated enough to get the sick into the toilet when it starts to drag itself out of his throat leaving harsh tastes in his mouth and a constant burning in his oesophagus.

**_You’re weak._ **

_I know._

**_Josh can’t love someone who’s weak._ **

_I know._

**_He doesn’t deserve you._ **

_I know._

**_You mean nothing to someone like him._ **

_I know._

**_You should kill yourself._ **

_I know._

**_This time don’t get caught._ **

_Okay._

Burning tears streamed down Tyler’s face as he pulled himself up from the bathroom floor and headed out the stall. He looked at himself in the mirror and hated what he saw. Puffy red cheeks from crying and vomiting, sick stuck to the corners or his mouth and spit dripping down his chin. He was a mess. 

He threw his hand forward.

Glass shattering underneath his fist.

Reflective shards dropping to the counter.

Blood dripping from torn knuckles.

He grabbed for the biggest piece.

Collapsed to the floor.

Held it to his throat.

Applied small amounts of pressure every few seconds.

**_Do it baby boy, don’t be a coward._ **

“Tyler?” He heard his voice being called but could only let out a whimper as he applied more pressure with the shard.

The bathroom door opened.

“Tyler!” It was Brendon.

“I’m sorry.” 

“Tyler, drop the glass please!”

“I can’t.”

“You can please just drop it!”

“You don’t understand!” 

“Then help me to understand, so that I can help you!”

“He won’t leave me alone! He’s always in my head telling me how worthless I am, how I need to hurry up and kill myself. And I’m trying but it never works.”

Colors swam in his chest he couldn’t tell them apart anymore.

“You don’t need to do this! Think about Josh, think about the boy you love and who loves you. I can see it Tyler, you’re meant for each other. You give each other strength, you didn’t leave Josh’s side once while he’s been in the hospital until you let him talk with his siblings. You make him happy and it’s clear that he makes you happy. The voices in your head are wrong when they say those things about you, none of it’s true. So please drop the shard.”

Tyler’s eyes were leaking more and he dropped the shard of glass down next to himself and curled up tight, sobbing into his knees. Brendon appeared in front of him with some wet tissue to clean his face of the vomit and stickiness that the tear tracks left. He dabs gently at the small blood drops on his neck from where the shard had been pressed against as well as his bloodstained hand.

“Let’s head back to Josh, okay? He told me to come find you because he was worried.” Tyler gives him a short nod as he’s helped up onto his feet.

They make the walk back to Josh’s room in silence. 

**_There’s always next time._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shocking turn of events 
> 
> I’m sorry
> 
> These boys are getting cuter by the chapter, but maybe more depressed


	14. Josh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning  
> Eating disorder mention  
> Anxiety mention  
> Depression mention  
> Suicide attempt mention

It was nice to have some quality time with his siblings but Josh desperately wanted Tyler back by his side. He was worried, he hadn’t really noticed it at the time but when they kissed Tyler tasted like vomit and when they were cuddling close together he could feel Tyler’s ribs and hips digging into his own body.

He remembers back to Monday when he heard Tyler throwing up in the school bathroom and he’s almost certain that, that has something to do with why he was in hospital Tuesday and Wednesday. But he won’t make any assumptions until he knows for definite.

When Jenna walks back into to the hospital room to say she’s gonna head home and get some sleep that when Josh really starts to get worried because immediately after she comes in Brendon, Ryan and Dallon come in with no sign of Tyler following them. 

“Did Tyler find you, Jenna?” He kept the panic out of his voice as much as possible.

“No, I haven’t seen him since this morning.” She has a confused look on her face.

“Shit. You have to go look for him, please be quick about it.” They all look confused for a minute before panic flashes across Jenna’s face like she knows exactly why Josh is panicking so much.

“Guys come on let’s hurry.” She ushers the boys out of the room as they head off to different parts of the hospital to look for Tyler.

About half an hour later Brendon is walking in with Tyler tucked under his arm. Tyler’s faces in splotchy and his knuckles are torn. This is going to be a longer conversation than he had intended.

“Hey Ty baby, come here.” Tyler walks over to him purely on instinct and then just collapses against Josh’s chest falling onto the bed a curling up. “Brendon message the others for me please and then can you have Jenna take my siblings home with her please.” Brendon nods and leaves the room again. It isn’t long before Jenna comes in and takes his siblings with her, they don’t seem to mind she must have been great with handling them.

“Hey Tyty, do wanna tell me what’s bothering you.” It’s not a question and it’s clear that Tyler knows that.

“No.” He’s shaking his head.

“Tyler. Look at me.” Tyler stops shaking his head and looks into Josh’s eyes. “Good. Now tell me what’s wrong.”

“You don’t deserve me.”

“And why is that?”

“I’m fat, I’m worthless, no body loves me. I should just die but I can’t because I’m a coward and he gets mad at me when I don’t do anything right.”

“Who gets mad at you?” He ignores the rest for now, he’ll come back to it.

“Blurry. He’s always screaming insults at me.”

“Who’s that, baby?” Josh is curious to say the least.

“The personification of my depression, anxiety, dark thoughts you name it.”

“Is he here now?” Tyler shakes his head. “Okay you listen to me then. Everything you said about yourself before is bullshit. You are not fat, you are not worthless and you are loved. Jenna loves you that much is clear.” 

“That’s not true and you know it. How can you not see how fat I am, I have so many rolls and my thighs are too big and my arms are flappy. I’m not thin enough, I’m too fat. My cheeks have even gotten fatter, I’m eating too much.”

“And when was the last time you ate?” Tyler’s eyes are glazed over, he tilts his head slightly like he’s thinking.

“I think Monday.” 

“And how much did you eat?” 

“Umm... 25 calories.” 

Josh is shocked at that revelation, this gorgeous boy with the fluffy brown hair, deep chocolate brown eyes and beautiful magenta/cyan voice was clearly suffering from an eating disorder which is just what he had suspected.

“When did you last throw up?” 

“Just before Brendon found me.” Jesus he was throwing up on an empty stomach. That also explained his blotchy cheeks.

“Is this why you were in the hospital?” Tyler nods.

“I was throwing up after eating on Monday and started throwing up my stomach lining and I passed out. My mom found me and brought me to the hospital, then they kicked me out so that I could ‘sort myself out’ because I disgraced their elegance and I’m not allowed to go home until next Tuesday.”

Josh was surprised at how much Tyler was telling him, considering they had only just met four days ago. 

“Why are your knuckles torn up?” Josh raised Tyler’s hand to his lips and pressed a gentle kiss to it.

“I punched a mirror in the bathroom because Blurry wanted me to kill myself so I tried to with a shard of glass but Brendon walked in a convinced me not to.” 

“No no baby no. Please never think about killing yourself again, you’re too perfect to leave this world. Even if you don’t think you are, I will spend every single day we spend together telling you that, I promise you.” This was a promise that Josh knew he could keep.

Tyler nodded then finally the tears that had been threatening to spill during that entire conversation finally started to roll down his cheeks. Josh just pulled Tyler into a hug and started shushing him, running a hand through his hair in an attempt to calm him down. Eventually he just heard Tyler’s even breathing suggesting he had fallen asleep, but after the past hour he has been through a whirlwind of emotions.

Josh simply just curled up around him protectively and pressed a kiss to Tyler’s hair before drifting off to sleep himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be cute I promise  
> These boys will finally be going on that Saturday date, mentioned in like chapter 9 or something 
> 
> This has been an emotional roadshow (ha) so far and it’s only gonna get worse before it gets better


	15. Tyler

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning  
> Eating disorder mention  
> Purging mention  
> Sensory overload (not sure if that counts, but just to be safe)

Josh was getting released from the hospital today and Tyler couldn’t be happier. It was Saturday morning which meant they had all day to go on their date. Jenna had been kind enough to look after Josh’s siblings while they went out and Tyler had it all planned out. He was going to take Josh to the music store downtown and play for him, maybe he’d even get Josh to play the drums for him.

Tyler had drunk so much water that morning waiting for Josh’s text telling him that it was okay for him to come to the hospital. Drink all the water made him throw it all back up, since his talk with Josh about his eating disorder he’s been physically unable to even think about food let alone go near it to eat it.

But that didn’t matter right now, because Josh gave him the okay to head out to the hospital I about an hour.

Tyler had to practically beg Brendon to allow him to use his car and after what was probably an hour but seemed longer Brendon gave in and handed Tyler the keys with a threat that if he damaged it he’d be dead. Tyler just thanked him and rushed off to the hospital.

Josh had texted him in the early morning saying he needed a change of clothes for their date so Tyler made sure that the outfit he picked out for Josh from his own closet was suitable enough for him. Tyler himself was wearing a black t-shirt with a long floral kimono on over the top, ripped black skinny jeans and his floral vans (that his parents didn’t know he owned a long with the kimono, if they did they’d probably figure out he was gay.)

When Tyler arrived at the hospital he went straight to the nurses station to be access to Josh’s room. Upon his arrival in Josh’s room he saw that he was already out of bed packaging up the small amount of things that he had with him at the hospital. When Tyler closed the door behind him Josh turned around to see him.

“Wow, you look beautiful.” Tyler could feel his cheeks begin to heat at the compliment, he never felt beautiful due to his eating disorder consuming his very being but hearing Josh call him that made all sorts of colors bloom inside of him.

“And you need to get changed, baby boy.” Tyler regained some confidence and sent Josh a wink and a smirk.

“Hand the clothes over then.” Tyler pulled the clothes out of his bag and tossed them onto the bed.

“I hope you like them, and that they actually fit you.” Josh started pulling at them to see what he had been given, he made a humming noise in his throat before nodding.

“They’re perfect, now get out so I can change.” Tyler nodded and turned for the door leaving the room and waiting for Josh to call him back inside. Tyler felt his phone go off during his wait.

 **Jenna:** Have fun on your date, boo. Tell Josh his siblings are in safe hands so that he’s not worrying the whole day.

 **Tyler:** Will do, thanks again Jen.

 **Jenna:** Anything for you, if it means you’ll get laid ;)

 **Tyler:** That’s not gonna happen Jen and you know it

 **Jenna:** I like to wish that it will soon

Tyler shook his head at her response.

“You can come back in, Ty.” Tyler opened the door to the room again and stepped in, when he looked up and saw Josh his breath caught in his throat. Josh was wearing Tyler’s Black Death Cab For Cutie shirt, black jeans with a hole in one knee and then his own black doc martens. He was stunning to say the least.

“Why thank-you.” Tyler’s eyes snapped up to Josh’s face.

“Did I say that out loud?” His face was heating up again.

“Yep.” Josh popped the ‘P’ at the end. Tyler has never been more embarrassed in his life.

“Are you ready to go now?” Josh came over to where Tyler was standing by the door and linked his fingers with Tyler’s.

“Yeah, I’m already checked out. Now we can go on that date.” Tyler nodded, probably too fast. They headed out the hospital hand in hand.

||-//

They were heading downtown before Josh asked where they were going. Tyler just smiled.

“You’ll find out when we get there, but I think you’re going to like it.” He heard Josh groan from the passenger seat.

They drove for about 15 more minutes before Tyler was pulling into a parking lot, that’s when Josh turned around to look out the window instead of staring at Tyler.

“A music store?” Tyler could tell that his voice held happiness behind it.

“Not just any music store. Come on.” Tyler pushed his shoulder a little bit to urge him to get out the car.

As they headed into the store someone called out to them.

“Hey Tyler. You’re back, honestly never thought I see you again.” The woman that called out to them had orange hair, she looked to be in her early twenty’s.

“Hey Hayley. Sorry I haven’t been here in a while the last few weeks have been pretty hectic. Anyway, I’m here on a date this time. I’m sure Jenna probably already told you about that though since she knew we were going to be coming here.”

“Yep don’t worry buttercup I have rented out your favourite practice room today. So if you still want it I suggest getting your ass in there now.”

“Thanks Hayley you’re the best.”

“I know now go have fun on your date.” Tyler nodded before grabbing Josh’s hand again and pulling him off towards the back where the practice rooms were.

“Is she okay with the whole gay thing?”

“She’d be a hypocrite if she wasn’t, she’s gay herself so don’t worry. That’s why I like in here, no one judges you.” Tyler looked at Josh, he seemed satisfied with that answer. “They’re also hiring right now.” Josh seemed to brighten up at that making Tyler smile.

They got into the practice room and Tyler let go of Josh’s hand to run over to the piano in the middle of the room and sat down. He could see that Josh wanted to gravitate to the drum kit in the corner but instead he came over and sat next to Tyler on the stool.

“Are you gonna play for me?”

“Yeah, it’s a new song I just got done writing this morning.”

“Are you gonna sing too?”

“Of course I am, baby boy.” Tyler flashes a smile at Josh before turning back to the keys and starts pressing on them. He closes his eyes getting lost in the music.

_“This is a story about a scarlet letter... yeah_  
_It just hit me as I laid my head down_  
_No one around in the dark cold night, I hear a sound_  
_In my head repeat track of everything you've ever said_  
_Must be something, but it's nothing, so I just go back to bed”_

He heard Josh’s intake of air. But pressed on.

_“It's 4, crack the door to the hallways in my dreams_  
_But it seems my hallway keeps closing in on me_  
_Forcing me out, making me think about you and how you're gone_  
_I see 4: 05 in teary eyes and then I write this song”_

“Ty.” Josh choked on his name.

_“And I just can't believe it has to be this way_  
_You know we say it seems to me that it was just the other day_  
_I saw your face, I saw your light, you ran the race, you fought the fight_  
_But now it's all being torn down for me tonight”_

“I want to protect you.” Josh was speaking in whispers, but Tyler still heard him.

_“And I know it might be a little selfish for me to say_  
_But I need to know if you've thought of me at all today_  
_Cause every day walk past the place you lived 5 days of the week_  
_And now it's 10 after 4 and I am taken by sleep”_

“You don’t deserve pain.”

_“Spending hours on end, deciding what I'd say to a friend if I ever saw him again_  
_Cause I don't know if I know, don't want to come across the wrong way_  
_And I don't know if I know, but I know I want to see your face today”_

“Please don’t hurt anymore.”

_“And somebody told me they saw you cry and break down_  
_Do you know how hard that is to get around and think about?_  
_It's not like you to let emotions get the best of things_  
_Especially when everything is hanging in the air we breathe”_

“I want to help you.”

_“And I just can't believe it has to be this way_  
_You know we say it seems to me that it was just the other day_  
_I saw your face and saw your light, you ran the race, you fought the fight_  
_But now it's all being torn down for me tonight”_

“You’re beautiful.”

_“And I know it might be a little selfish for me to say_  
_But I need to know if you thought of me at all today_  
_Cause every day walk past the place you lived 5 days of the week_  
_And now it's 10 after 4 and I am taken by sleep”_

“I will put you back together.”

_“I'll sing a song to you, my friend_  
_I'll sing a song to you, my friend_  
_I'll sing a song to you, my friend_  
_I'll sing a song to you, my..._  
_Let's go!_

_Friend, yeah, yeah, yeah_  
_I'll sing a song to you my friend_  
_I'll sing a song to you my friend_  
_I'll sing a song to you my friend_  
_I'll sing a song to you my friend”_

“I think I love you.”

Tyler instantly stopped playing after he heard those words leave Josh’s mouth.

“What?”

“Ty, I’m sorry. I-I sorry I didn’t mean to say that.”

“Say it again.”

“I t-think I umm... love y-you.”

“I think I love you too, baby boy.”

Tyler pulls Josh into a kiss, with a hand wrapped around his neck.

The minute their lips touch, everything explodes.

The colors in his chest intensify.

The colors that each little noise makes intensifies.

Tyler is overwhelmed by colors.

They surround him like a cocoon.

Drawing him in and making him feel safe.

He always felt safe around Josh.

Warmth spread throughout him as he deepened the kiss.

Eventually they had to pull back to breathe again.

“Wow, everything is so much more intense than last time.” Tyler nodded fast, his head was spinning.

“The colors around me don’t see a muted as last time.” Josh was looking at him with understanding.

“The colors inside of me feel so much more emotional, and not just like colors.”

“I think I’m experiencing sensory overload.” Josh nodded and closed him eyes.

“The colors seem to be last longer than they did in the hospital.” Tyler agreed with him, they had only lasted a couple minutes last time. But right now with how bright and intense everything felt and looked, this was definitely going to last longer.

“It hurts to have my eyes open. Do you think it’s because we deepened the kiss?”

“My chest hurts from what’s going on inside of me. It might be, I don’t know.” Tyler opened his eyes slightly to look at Josh, his expression was pained.

“I’m sorry, I’ve never felt regular emotions so I don’t know how bad it feels for you.” Josh chuckled a little bit at that.

“I’m sure your eyes are burning at this point, it’s better to keep them closed until the colors start to become duller.” Tyler was nodding at that, he placed his forehead against Josh’s and held tightly onto his hands with their fingers linked together.

They sat in silence just breathing each other in and holding tightly onto each other’s hands as they waited for the color overload to die down and fade to nothing. Thankfully Blurryface hadn't decided to make an appearance today. This was the perfect date.

But perfect couldn’t last forever, they would both come to understand what that means over the next few days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cute fucking date  
> Can’t handle the fluff  
> School is gonna ruin the progress these boys have made  
> I’m sorry that I need to hurt them 
> 
> No one in their little group knows what happened on Friday in school oooohhh, shits gonna go down on Monday
> 
> I know it's been a while, but I'm having more fun writing the other fic, sorry for the wait
> 
> Lyrics from  
> Taken by sleep by Tyler Joseph


	16. Josh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning  
> Suicide attempt mention  
> Self harm mention

Josh woke up Sunday morning, after his date with Tyler they went to Jenna’s so that he could pick his siblings up and head home. Thankfully their father wasn’t there and he didn’t return until later that night completely drunk off his ass, so the four of them decided to stay upstairs as far away as possible from him.

Over the past few days Josh has experienced so much, he thought that after his suicide attempt he’d been mildly better consider him and Tyler were a thing now. Wait, were they a thing, yeah they went on a date and have kissed a couple times but does that mean they’re together. 

Regardless Josh has been feeling worse about himself, he’s cut himself multiple times since the date he isn’t worthy of someone as beautiful as Tyler. Though granted Tyler probably felt the same towards Josh. 

Is it healthy to be in a relationship with someone when both of you are fucked up mentally? 

Josh didn’t like pondering on that question for very long it always made him feel worse, like he was admitting that he was weak and fucked up. In reality he already knew that he was but the realism of it was what caused him to breakdown every night and slip back into watching the blood flow down his pale skin.

He knows that cutting himself is getting him no where, it’s an endless cycle that’s leading him to a point of no return and that’s when addiction starts to consume every cell in your body, feasting on the atoms that make up your person.

But it’ll be okay in the end for just those few seconds of relief and freedom as the blood stains his skin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just a filler for now, so I’m sorry that it’s short  
> The really tea will be spilled in Tyler’s chapter
> 
> I might do a chapter like this for Tyler  
> Let me know if you’d want something like that


	17. Tyler

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning  
> Homophobia  
> Eating disorder mention  
> Purging mention

Tyler woke up Monday morning, he was feeling a deep royal yellow he would finally get to see Josh again. Granted it had only been a day but he still missed him, so he quickly changed for school, skipped breakfast and rushed out with Brendon following close behind him.

Tyler wanted to walk today, he wanted to burn off as much fat as he could before he saw Josh. He spent all of yesterday doing the same, shoving his fingers down his throat until saw stars and passed out on the bathroom floor. Brendon would help him drink water in between each passing out before rubbing his back every time he forced himself to throw up.

Ever since that day in the hospital where Brendon had to talk Tyler down they’ve grown closer, Tyler told Brendon about his eating disorder and Brendon took it in stride. He never forced Tyler to eat and was always there as a shoulder to lean on when Tyler purged, he was a good friend.

||-//

When they finally got to school Tyler started pacing, they had all agreed that their little friend group would meet up outside of the front doors and head in together since both Tyler and Josh were very fragile since everything that happened in the span of a week.

Jenna was already there by the time that Tyler and Brendon got there and Dallon and Ryan turned up a few minutes later, all that was left was Josh. They all knew that he had to drop his siblings off first before he could come to school, so they didn’t mind the wait all that much.

Brendon was the first to notice Josh sprinting down the sidewalk and he pointed him out to Tyler, who immediately stopped pacing and rushed over to Josh leaping into his arms and Josh just hooked his hands under Tyler’s thighs after they wrapped around his waist.

“I missed you so much.” Tyler could cry, he was so happy to see that Josh was safe.

“I missed you too, but if you don’t let go now we’re gonna be late for class.” Tyler reluctantly let go of Josh and started walking over to their friends with him at his side.

“You too love birds ready to go inside.” They both turn to each other and nod hesitantly.

Tyler and Josh started walking up the steps to get into the school their small group of friends surrounding them in a huddle like penguins normally do to keep their young warm.

They decided to go to Tyler’s locker first since it was the closest to the entrance and when they got there all of them froze. Scrawled all across Tyler’s locker were cruel harsh words.

**Fag**  
**Homo**  
**Die**  
**Pathetic**  
**Fairy**  
**Pansy**  
**Worthless**  
**Fat**  
**Freak**

Tyler was cornflower blue, he had never seen someone be so mean to another person in his 17 years of life. He started crying and Josh just turned Tyler into his chest and let him cry there. Tyler could feel the harsh grip that Josh had on him but he wasn’t angry at Tyler, he was angry at the person or people who did this.

There’s only one possible time that anyone could have done that and that’s Friday, when no one from their friend group was at school because they all went to the hospital for Josh.

Tyler was violently shaking as the words rattled around his head.

_**Fat.** _

Yes he was fat.

_**Worthless.** _

Yes he was worthless.

_**Die.** _

Yes he should die.

_**Pathetic.** _

Yes he was pathetic.

**_Fag, homo, pansy, fairy, freak._ **

Yes he was a fag, homo, pansy, fairy, freak.

_**Disgusting.** _

He was disgusting. In so many ways.

“Ty, baby I need you to listen to me. You are none of those things, even if Blurry is whispering them to you as we speak. You are none of this, you are wonderful, perfect and beautiful. I love you, I love you in a way that words can’t describe. But we’ve felt it, we’ve seen it. Our love isn’t like anyone else’s we share things that no one else can see or feel.” Josh spoke softly to Tyler and it broke the hold that Blurry had on him and he slowly started to feel more deep purple washing over him.

“It hurts so much Josh, why are people so mean?” Tyler’s heart broke at the look Josh had on his face when he finally looked up to see him.

“I don’t know baby, but I promise we will figure out who did this and we’ll have them punished.” Tyler nodded and buried his head into Josh’s chest again. Tyler didn’t notice that their four other friends had already started to clean his locker off, even if the first bell had already rung and they were definitely late for class.

||-//

They all decided it was best to just leave school for the day and go home, no one wanted to be alone so they all headed to Brendon’s house so that they could have a movie marathon in the basement.

Tyler was feeling a constant state of ivory after they left school so he didn’t want to leave Josh’s side at all, he was clinging to him like a koala. Tyler even allowed Josh to sit with him when he forced himself to be sick again. After today’s events it wasn’t questioned, he had been called fat on his locker and that turned into something very triggering for him.

When Tyler was done throwing up Josh carried him to his bed and curled up around him as everyone settled in to start the movie marathon, it wasn’t long before Tyler was drifting off into a fitful sleep that eventually easies into something much nicer when he finally realised he was safe and with the family that would love him unconditionally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some new colors  
> Cornflower blue - devastated  
> Ivory - terrified  
> Royal yellow - elated
> 
> I know it’s been a while but this one isn’t my main priority now, I want to finish it but it probably won’t be the first to get finished  
> I keep starting new chaptered fics because I have no self control


	18. Josh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tyler's ankles are godly

Josh woke up to hear Tyler cursing loudly and running around the room grabbing things, he observed him for a while before saying anything.

“What are you doing baby?” Josh sat up so that he could get a better look at what Tyler was doing.

“It’s Tuesday, my mom texted me telling me to move all my shit back in before going to school. While I don’t particularly want to do that, if I my parents will probably disown me completely.” Josh nodded and let Tyler continue packing his things up. He saw his siblings sleeping across the room and thought back to how Jenna said she’d go pick them up from school yesterday after school while he comforted Tyler. He was grateful that he had a friend like her. 

He gets off the bed and heads over to his siblings, “Hey guys wake up, we have to go home before going to school.” His siblings groan in unison.

“Can’t we just stay here for the day.” Jordan always was a tough one to get out of bed.

“We want to be here with Ty.” Abby has grown attached to the younger boy it would seen.

“I want Jenna to do my hair.” Of course that’s what Ashley is thinking.

“Sorry guys but they’ll always be going to school, we cant just skip school all the time when we don’t want to go.” Josh sighs and heads back over to the side of the room he slept on to grab his backpack.

“That’s what you did yesterday.” Ashley really was too smart for her own good.

“Yeah yeah okay, we did do that yesterday. But that was for a good reason, we aren’t skipping for the sake of skipping.” Josh looks around the basement again and notices that Jenna, Brendon, Ryan and Dallon are all gone. Everyone who doesn’t live here could have gone home to get ready for school or they could be upstairs eating breakfast before heading home. He sees Tyler dart out of the bathroom before running up the stairs with all his stuff. 

“Come on guys let’s go get some food before heading home.” His siblings nod and stand up heading for the stairs, Josh grabs their bags before following them up. 

He finds everyone from last night in the kitchen grabbing food that Brendon’s mom made for them, this is probably the best meal that his siblings have had in a long time. He looks over to the sink to see Tyler talking Jenna about her driving him home so he can drop his stuff off and get ready before she goes to her own home to get ready for school. 

“Hey Josh, you and your siblings need a ride home to get ready for school?” Josh nods his head at Brendon’s question whilst he grabs some toast and starts eating it. 

When everyone is finished eating Josh and his siblings pile into Brendon’s car as they head off to their house. They can’t call it a home because it isn’t, it never will be their home. It’s just a house that they are temporarily living in until they can find somewhere better to live. 

Arriving at their house they thank Brendon for the ride and quickly head inside thankful that their father isn’t here. Everyone is ready within record time a good 15 minutes instead of the usual half an hour, though granted they only have 20 minutes to get to school. 

Josh walks his siblings to school like usual and then he’s sprinting to school himself so that he can make it on time. He sees his friends stood in their meeting spot and rushes over to Tyler pulling him into a tight hug and kissing his cheek, it feels like it has been a lifetime since he last saw him when in reality it has only been about an hour. 

“How did it go at home?” Josh is tentative to ask but he needs to know if Tyler’s family kicked off at him.

“As expected, they shouted at me. But hey they didn’t kick me out again or disown me completely so it’s definitely the best situation.” Josh nods along to what Tyler is saying and takes his hand lacing their fingers together.

“l wanna tell you something Tyler.” Josh tugs on Tyler’s hand to get him to stop walking and to look at him. “I think I love you.” Josh closes his eyes against the backlash that he’s expecting from Tyler.

“Joshie? Can you open your eyes for me?” Josh slowly opens his eyes and looks at Tyler, beautiful and pure Tyler. “I think I love you too.” Tyler gives Josh a small smile after his confession. 

Josh grins at the smaller boy and then he’s attacking Tyler’s lips, he doesn’t care who sees at this point, he’s so incredibly in love with this boy he just can’t help himself. Colors bloom in his chest making it feel tight, he feels his breath get drawn in harder, he’s struggling to breathe and he isn’t sure why. He’s never experienced this when kissing Tyler before so he isn’t sure why it’s happening now. 

“Josh it hurts, I can’t see. Why can’t I see Josh?” Tyler is looking around but his eyes look glazed over almost like he’s blind. Josh can’t even speak, he’s unable to draw in any air at all, he taps his hand on Tyler’s arm. “Josh? Josh, are you okay?” Josh brings his hand up to Tyler’s throat and squeezes gently. “You can’t breathe?” Josh does a thumbs up and presses it against Tyler’s cheek so that he can feel it. 

“Guys what are you doing we have to get to class.” Jenna calls out to them.

“We have a problem Jen. I can’t see and Josh can’t breathe.” Tyler’s voice is even when he speaks, he has to be strong for the both of them.

“What do you mean, you can’t see and Josh can’t breathe?” Jenna is closer to them now.

“We kissed and then I wasn’t able to see and Josh wasn’t able to breathe, I think it’s because of our synesthesia. Josh can see colors in sound and I feel emotions in color. The first time we kissed Josh saw color and felt emotion which overwhelmed him and I saw color all around me from the things that made noise and it really hurt my eyes, but it didn’t last that long only a couple seconds. The second time we kissed the same thing happened but it lasted a lot longer, probably because the kiss was longer than the first one.” Tyler explains it to Jenna like he hasn’t been hiding his synesthesia all his life from her.

“Okay so what was different thing time?” Jenna is taking this really well.

“We said that we loved each other before kissing.” Jenna slaps a hand to her forehead.

“You’re both idiots, first lets get you and Josh sat down so that you aren’t aimlessly walking around.” Jenna guides them over to the steps outside the school entrance and they both sit down. 

“Do you know how to help us Jenna?” Tyler asks and they both hear her sigh.

“Sadly I don’t, but you’re both still idiots. You’ve experienced this before and you didn’t stop to think that if your relationship gets more intense the backlash from your synesthesia on the other would get worse.” Josh looks at Tyler like Jenna just said the most obvious thing. 

“So we basically just have to wait it out?” Jenna nods before remembering Tyler can’t see anything.

“Yeah I’m guessing so, if you just waited it out all the other times I’m assuming this will be no different. What are you currently seeing Tyler?” Jenna’s voice is soft.

“Everything that makes sound, all the colors all at once. When you speak I see your voice I think, it looks purple, well to me it does, for Josh it will look different. When Josh told me about being able to see color in sound I realised that he still didn’t have a color for his voice, he said he can’t see the color of his own voice and sadly neither can I.” 

“Interesting. Is your vision starting to come back? It looks like Josh is starting to breathe properly now.” Tyler nods and shakes his head almost like he’s not sure of his answer.

“I can see where you’re sat but you just look like a blurry blob right now. So I’m guess it’s starting to come back very slowly.” 

They wait a good half an hour before everything is back to normal again, Josh can finally breathe and Tyler is able to see properly. 

“How come you didn’t pass out from not breathing?” Tyler holds onto Josh’s hand like a lifeline.

“I don’t think I physically stopped breathing, it was more just the overwhelming colors in my chest made it feel like I wasn’t breathing.” Tyler nods before giving him an apologetic look.

“I’m sorry you had to go through that because of me.” Josh shakes his head, it isn’t Tyler’s fault.

“I’m sorry you went blind because of me.” Now it’s Tyler’s turn to shake his head.

“You know guys, we’ve missed an hour of school already.” Jenna speaks up as she stands up from the steps.

“We are going to be in so much trouble.” First they skipped yesterday now they are technically an hour late.

“Don’t worry guys I messaged Brendon to tell our teachers that me and Josh were helping Tyler through a panic attack because of yesterdays events having shaken you up.” Tyler and Josh both hug Jenna.

“You are the best best friend ever Jen.” Josh had to agree with Tyler on that one, Jenna really was great. 

After their hugging session on the steps they decide it’s finally time to head into to school and start this torturous day off. The sooner they start the quicker it will finish, or so they say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey how you doing?  
> It's been awhile since I updated  
> I'm sorry  
> It will probably be awhile again for the next update 
> 
> Have fun waiting


End file.
